firsts
i miss the feeling of firsts
you know, like the first time you kiss someone
and how goddamn magical it feels
or the first time you fall in love
the words drip out of your mouth
like honey into tea
slowly but then all at once
because you were scared but had to say it anyways
that first time someone tells you they love you
how your heart jumps out of your chest
and you have never heard anything more beautiful
it’s a feeling you feel all throughout your body
and always try to replicate
or the first time you stay up all night long
until the sun is rising again
and you hear the cars back on the streets
your eyes are tired
but your mind is at full speed
or the first time you have sex
and you’re scared
you are scared out of your mind
but you’re happy you did it
or the first time your heart breaks
it’s the worst pain in the world
but at least you know
there’s nothing worse
but for me
even though you weren’t my first everything
the firsts with you were better than all of them
because they were with you
like the first time you kissed me
i can still remember it
i had never felt something like that before
like electricity moving through my body
me smiling through the kiss
at the spark i felt when your lips touched mine
the first time you pushed my hair behind my ear
just the faint of your hand
i can still feel it
as if it was still there
the first time you slept over
i woke up next to you
your eyes still closed
and your lips opened just a bit
i knew i loved you
the first time i saw you cry
it hurt me so much
to see tears fall down your face
and i felt like there was nothing i could do
the first time i told you i loved you
i was whispering nonsense into your ear
and you stopped
looked right into my eyes
and kissed me with those lips
and i blurted it out
like it was nothing
the first time we took a shower together
the hot water touched our bodies
you blew bubbles into my face
and held me closer than anyone has before
but then there was the first time
i knew you weren’t coming back
i sat in my room
wearing your t shirt all alone
with tears forming in my eyes
and wishing you were there
but i know that i messed it up
because i start to think of our lasts
the last time you kissed me
it didn’t feel the same
or the last time i heard your laugh
it echoes through my ears
or the last time i saw you
my heart aches at the thought
and when i wake up and you aren’t there
and i see your side of the bed empty in the morning
and see that your calls and your texts
are less and less
i know i broke your heart
with just a few words
and i do miss feeling firsts
like the first time riding a bike
or driving a car
the first time leaving home
and then returning
but i wish i could take it back
the first time i hurt you
the first time you left
because i can still see you walking away
and hoping in my heart that you come back
but we both know that you won’t
and this will be the first time
the only time
that i’ll have to say goodbye to you
and mean it
and i know i’ll have firsts with someone else
but through it all
our firsts will always mean the most
even though you’re gone
and i think about our lasts
i will always remember our firsts
