what if i look back n all i see is u?
what if i look back and only see the pain, the monster you are and the anguish you caused? what if i look back and can’t find the happiness that felt so good between my cheeks, that made me laugh until i cried? what if i look back and all i see is you?
what if i look back
if i’m standing there
trying to breathe
cars passing like a wave striking the shore
or bees swarming honey
honey dripping down my lips
or is it tears i can’t seem to wipe away
i’m scared
of the cars catching speed
of you
scratching your face onto mine
like sandpaper onto wood
the wind slams against my red cheeks
and in between i stand there
cars on my left
on my right
like dominos waiting to be pushed
my feet on the yellow lines
tiptoeing as the lights turn green
and the speeding cars blur
like a moving picture
i’m scared
what if i look back
and all i see is you
the way you didn’t hear me
your arms were boulders
and i was just a rock
crushing underneath the weight
snapping into broken pieces
torn apart
like useless paper
feeling like glass being smashed between your palm
blood that drips down my arm
but you didn’t seem to notice
but you saw it on my shirt
my white shirt dyed red
like the color of my tortured lips
my bitten chapped lips you wanted to destroy
i’m scared
i want to look back
at everything that made me smile
everything that softens the memory of your shadowed body in the dark
the people before you
the people after you
all of the peach skies mixed with wine on sunday nights
summer heat that made my hair turn into waves
the waves that grazed over the sand that covered my feet
the sand that fell under my blankets
that still sleeps in my bed with me
waking up in my bed as the sun pierces my eyes
or falling asleep to the sound of a fall night
wind against the window
and a mountain of blankets covering my naked body
but i’m scared
what if i look back
and i’m standing there
trying to breathe
trying to escape all over again
as if your pale touch was as heavy as the cars
passing by me on a street i never wanted to know
what if i look back
and close my eyes
and all i see is you
