do u wanna be my plus one?
We walked in together, but quietly, subtly; no one really even noticed. He came with me, of course, and brought a friend, less daunting he probably thought. The room was crowded, seemingly most of the people I knew were there. Talking to one another, music blasting, drink after drink being poured and finished. Empty bottles and cans thrown aimlessly at the floor. The lights were dimmed, only sparkling white Christmas lights unevenly clinging to overused push pins between windows. I looked up and immediately went into the crowd of familiar faces, leaving this boy.. and this boy's friend, to fend for themselves. They found a seat, as I said my hello’s. Everyone knew of him at this point, I couldn’t really contain my excitement about this guy and I wanted the people I loved, my friends, those important few, to be excited as well. I wanted them to know him, to meet him and like him, and hopefully see what my heart saw. This feeling was new to me. Wanting a boy I was seeing to not only meet my friends, but for them to actually like him, to want to get to know him, to want to be around him; I didn’t know how to approach this. In the past, the night flings, of boys' names I don’t care to remember never reached this point. I mean if they accidentally met the friend group, I didn’t really mind. It wasn’t as if I planned to bring them around often, it was a chance encounter, and no one would remember their names. Just the names I made for them based on stories and memories we shared, that I also shared with my friends, ie. Bubble Bath Boy or Wanna be Comedian Boy, there was Basketball Boy, and Art School Boy, Skater Boy, and we can’t forget Philly Boy, real names were not a thing of importance, which none of these boys had (except maybe one of those but lets pretend that’s not true). This boy, this boy was different, he didn’t have one of these made up names that helped my friends remember which faceless person (that week) I was talking about. Without their alias’, no one would actually have known the difference between a Michael and a Justin, to be honest at this point, I don’t even know if I would. But this boy, he wasn’t just a moment in time or a fake name or random hookup I would boast about. I didn’t want his encounters to be fleeting, or accidental, I wanted him to be a part of my life, which included my friends, my coworkers, the day to day people, even my family. I wanted him to be liked by them.
You know that time in a relationship where you start sorta meshing your lives together? I don’t mean bills, or moving in, or even the ever so daunting “meet the family”. But I mean when that person becomes an actual part of your life? That’s what I am thinking of, after all of the stories, then the initial encounters, the part of the relationship where he is not just some guy you “talk to” and occasionally see naked. But more so what I’ve been wondering, pondering if you may, is when you are in a long distance relationship is this even a possibility?
Like I said, all those past flings never reached this point, it wasn’t even a thought in my mind, even though we lived just minutes from one another some of the time. Take Basketball Boy for example, remember him? I mean how could anyone forget those wonderful nights in bed, The Weeknd blasting, sweat dripping, waking up with hickies quite literally all over my body…Okay sorry I am a horn dog without the boyfriend around, but we are getting off topic. Despite Basketball Boy being a ~fun time~ lets say, and in close proximity, he never became an actual part of my life; merely a background character, if that. He was always JUST my midnight pursuit. There was one time he met a few of my friends, but that consisted of everyone saying “holy shit Basketball Boy is so tall and hot” directly to his face (mhm ANTHONY), him standing awkwardly waiting for me to say goodbyes, and then us immediately leaving to hop on the damn train to bone town.. well really we hopped on the T to go all the way to East Boston, which was a damn trek and a half, but again, it was worth it if you know what I mean (I hate myself). There wasn’t an “oh everyone this is basketball boy (I’d use his real name for introductions, I am not that fucking rude), MY GUY, and basketball boy this is everyone important in my life, type deal. Because he wasn’t “my guy”, and I was definitely not “his girl”, whatever those two terms even mean. He was just a guy that I fucked, sorry to put it so bluntly, but he knew it, I knew it, it was unspoken, but we were realistic about things. This elusive ~we~ were nothing more than a late night text and bang situation. This happened many a times with many a boys. I never felt like anything was missing, we always established what we were. But there were a few of these flings that I wanted a little bit more from, sure. More than just the late night texts, more than the Irish goodbyes from bars, more than intimacy only on the weekends, in some darkened Allston bedroom, where no one else was around. But I also don’t just mean meeting the friends with this whole meshing idea. That’s simply the first step. I mean after those official meetings, whether they are introduced as a boyfriend/girlfriend or not, when they become a part of your friend group and you a part of theirs. My best friend for example, her boyfriend I consider to be one of my friends too. We can hang, drink, talk, ~kiki~ if you will, even when she’s not around. This goes for most of my friends boyfriends or girlfriends. It’s nice when they are ~part of the crew~, not just awkward bystanders who you have to be nice to.
It’s when you go out, and people say oh is *insert significant others name* coming? When your friends actually want to hang around this person. It’s having a date to your company party so you don’t have to go alone, or not go at all. It’s Saturday night when you don’t want to go out so you choose to stay in with this person but also your roommates, watching movies on the projector snuggled up in your roommates room. It’s getting two invites to parties. It’s knowing that if you really aren’t feeling like being alone one night you can escape and go to their place or invite them over. It’s having them there, a part of your life, and you a part of theirs. Not just some distant mentioning of their name, texts far and in between, or slinking away into the night all alone to go see them. It’s incorporating them into key moments. Celebrating friends birthdays, getting a new job, applying to school, all of it. So much has been happening to me every day, especially after moving, especially after graduating, and I simply want to share some of these moments with the person that I love.
That being said, I also don’t JUST want to be someone’s girlfriend. That phrase has scared me since my failed high school/college relationship. My last two years of high school, I was known as “~Awful Ex’s~ Girlfriend” or simply as one half of that relationship. I was never just Tessa anymore. I hated that. That was also because I was young and still trying to figure out who this so called “Tessa” even was (which is why I even let this happen). Now as I am more established as my own person… I don’t want to ever just be known as someone’s girlfriend. But to mesh into each other’s lives you don’t need to make it unhealthy or creepy or turn into some codependent freaks. You can do it in a healthy way, simply intertwining that separation . As for my situation though, the boyfriend, well we are doing that whole ~long distance~ thing. So this idea of meshing our lives, incorporating each other into the little day to day things, it can’t really happen, can it? I mean in increments, in small bursts of time, when one of us visits the other. But realistically, my life is here where I am, and his life is there where he is. He isn’t a part of my friend group, and I’m not a part of his. I don’t get two invites, I get one, for me, because why would a person who lives a few hundred miles away get an invite? On Saturday nights he’s not here, on Sunday mornings, the same. Work parties, are a solo gig, or a drunken venture with a friend. Nights out, never involve him. Mornings spent walking on the beach, he’s not there. I am not saying this is terrible, I knew what I was getting myself into, but the question still arises. Is there a way to still be a part of each other's lives, our worlds outside of just us, or does distance make it impossible? Do these types of relationships miss out on this part? On the fun of becoming more than just this entity we keep behind closed doors? I see so many of my friends in relationships, who get to see each other whenever they please and I get a little jealous. That person is becoming a person not just in my friends life, but in my life as well, yet the boyfriend won’t get to that point. It feels like that whole “yeah I have a girlfriend, she goes to a different school ha ha believe me please” bullshit. Not that it’s anything to prove, but literally it's like yeah the boyfriend, he’s real, I guess, though I see him less than I see my damn weird neighbor who insists on judging the way I park every single damn day, does he have a life, someone let me know… I mean this definitely is a whole “not yet” situation, it isn’t an unsolvable problem I know this, but it’s itching, boy is it itching. Just like a mosquito bite you get in the summer while sitting by a lake, watching stars, going skinny dipping, drinking shitty beers, and wishing for those days to never end, just like that bite, that pestering evil little bite. Is this problem merely me complaining about long distance or is it something people feel even when their significant other lives in the same city? I guess for now, there's nothing more I can do to change it, I’ll have to keep spending Saturdays without him, going to work events without a plus one, and getting only one invite to parties, all while wishing our lives were a little more meshed and a little less alone.
