love me harder?
The question that sits in my mind, that eats away at me, when my boyfriend is snoring into my ear; does romance die once you get into a relationship? I mean nothing against my sweet ass boyfriend, but where the fuck did it go? Yes, we are in a pandemic, there aren’t options to go out all the time, or on fancy dates, wine glasses poured over candle lit dinners, live music playing in our ears. I get it. But what about the cute romantic things we once did? Picnics and champagne, movie nights with overly buttered popcorn, stargazing under mountains of blankets, bubble baths that make our hands prune. Where has it gone?
What I get now, is cold showers, hogging the water after each splash to your face, beer games filled with sticky floors, falling asleep two minutes into a movie, dirty clothes idle on the floor, morning breath worse than one could imagine, and days spent in different rooms only to maybe fuck before falling asleep.
I wonder if that’s what happens though. If romance sorta just fades as you’re in a lasting relationship? Do you need romance to keep the spark alive? Or is that just some fairy tale bullshit we are told? I am realizing that yes, sure, I miss the BIG romance, but really it's more than that. I miss leaving my house, my room, not staring at a computer screen as a professor lectures to me about constitutional law and Scalia's irritating hypocrisy. I miss flowers, but not just a bouquet one Wednesday night, but fields of pinks and oranges, miles and miles, not being able to see the end. I miss dinner dates, in restaurants full of people. Getting drunk and singing karaoke while my friends take shots in the background. I miss life that didn’t involve day after day spending times behind these walls that feel crushing. But it’s what we have to do right now in order to maybe hopefully see all of these things again aka we must adapt (wear a fucking mask you assholes). I kid you not all these 20 something year olds at the damn dog park not wearing a mask and making fun of those who do? Are you dumb or are you stupid? But anyways back to my damn point before I get too mad.
Being in a relationship is not just about those huge romantic gestures. I will admit, I am being greedy. Romance comes in different ways big and small, not just the kind we are told when flipping through the hallmark channel. Of course I love the whole being swept off my feet on a star filled night, where we kiss on top of a building overlooking a city neither of us really know. But I also like when he wakes up before me to take the dog out so I don’t have to. Or when he brings me a cup of coffee without me even asking. Or no matter what he will scratch my back until I fall asleep. Or when he kisses me before I can finish my sentence, with a smile in between our lips. Thats fucking romance if I ever saw it. I have been in a rut lately, I mean haven’t we all, given the status of our fucking country (despite this bright light of our new President and VP) and the literal pandemic that is still VERY MUCH A THING, but even in my relationship. I get bored. I get tired of doing the same thing all the time.
Sometimes I just want the feeling that I’m in a rom com (ugh). Where the boy and I still write letters back and forth, where we run to each other’s arms at a crowded train stop, where we dance on a midnight street after seeing a movie about love. But that’s not the most important thing in relationships. It’s the intimacy, the acts you do when you don’t realize. I don’t think romance should disappear, as if it never existed the second you fall in love; but I also don’t think these HUGE crazy gestures are needed at all times.
I wouldn’t trade the little romance for anything in the world. I like the quiet right now, the little acts of love that movies wouldn’t define as romance, but I sure as hell do.
I guess what I need to realize is life is not a movie, by any means, and relationships are not fucking easy. No way. But enjoy the quiet, enjoy the boy who will get up earlier than you just so he can make you breakfast before his meeting. Or the boy who kisses your forehead right before you fall asleep. Or the boy who would drive 4 hours just to pick up your siblings. Or the boy who will scream songs with you by your favorite boy band. S/o Jobros <3
That BIG type of romance, sure it’s wonderful, but we don’t need all of that fake and cheesy stuff we see in the movies all the time. It's the day to day romance, the little things that just make us awkwardly smile when we are by ourselves, that’s the stuff we should want, that's the stuff we should do everything in our power not to take for granted.
That’s the stuff I never want to lose.
p.s. I am back, sorry for the long break, ya girl needed it, mental health and all, I needed a break from it all, but I love this blog, I love writing, I love the people who are reading, and still going back and reading old posts, you make my heart so fuuuullll. I promise no more slacking, and sitting sad and cute in my bed staring at the wall while wishing I could put my thoughts into words again. But here we are and I plan to tell ya all my thoughts and feelings and if you have any questions for me let me know and I can hit any topics you want !
<3
