what are you doing new year’s eve?

I am currently staring at my watered down coffee, because for some reason every day I insist on ordering a coffee that I either won’t finish for at least 3-4 hours, or more realistically, at all. This choice is truly beyond me, but as the ice is quickly melting into that overpriced subpar drink, I’ve started to wonder about whether or not it’s okay to plan ahead with your significant other, ie. for me, ~my boyfriend~. I don’t know why this awful coffee is forcing my brain to jump to plans and boyfriends and what not to do or what to do, but that’s just who I am as a person. I could look at the bird outside and suddenly think of my third grade teacher, Teacher Mark, who would always laugh at how obsessed with Jesse McCartney I was, I wonder how he’s doing? Also hold up, me with a boyfriend, is definitely some warped alternate universe. I used to love the damn drama of single life, the earth shattering heart breaks, the tears after the boy I only sorta kinda liked, left me, the teasing, playing hard to get when he would stare at you from across the room, ahh bliss. I never thought I’d get to the point of actual commitment with any of these guys. My god, even the word freaked me out. I’m pretty sure I’ve let like two boys hold my hand… in public; one of them being , my very best friend, who also happens to have a boyfriend. Christian, baby, I love you. But then again, the boyfriend, well he’s not just one of those guys, so it makes sense, ya know, this drastic turn of events. As much as commitment and honestly anything real scared the absolute shit out of me, something about this stupid, blonde haired boy is so beyond worth it. But OKAY we don’t need to get this sappy this early on. What I mean is, my MO was venturing through the nights, out on the town, always finding new cute boys to kiss and give me attention, but never get close enough to actually make things serious. My friends were, and probably still are, a little shocked to say the least that I am “in a relationship”. I, myself, am still trying to figure out this whole being a girlfriend thing/how being in a relationship even works. It’s new to me. Not for the boyfriend  though, he’s dated, he’s had a few relationships, real, long term type deals, so he knows what he’s doing ( I guess), whereas I am clueless. I mean I guess we are all clueless when it comes to relationships, because every single one is new and different, and what I like, his exes may not have liked, or what I don’t like they may have liked. But for the purposes of here and now and MY confusion, not his, we can say that he knows more than I do. 

So that brings up this topic that has been sitting in the back of my brain, bouncing around like a incredibly loud chewer who doesn’t eat with their mouth closed, who is currently sitting next to me making me want to get up and leave… Aka it’s been bothering me, to say the very least. I mean when I say it’s surprising that I have a boyfriend, it is, sure, but that doesn’t mean in the past I completely swore off men, that would be grossly inaccurate. I have just been very cautious. Not even cautious I guess, more so, completely opposed to the idea of the potential of real and actual heartbreak, so I wouldn’t let it happen. I mean, been  there, done that, don’t need to do it again, I thought. Which, if you know me, isn’t usually my motto. I used to be one who would always say that we should let ourselves fall in love, because experiencing love is far more worth it than not experiencing it due to fear of heartbreak. I would say this, but not exactly live by it. Because a lot of my choices, before the boyfriend  were based on this fear of heartbreak. Fear that if I let someone in just a little too much, let them get a little too close, even if it was worth it in the moment, it would hurt me in the end, and that, I couldn’t bear. 

I mean heart break is the kind of pain that I wouldn’t want to inflict on anyone. I remember my first heartbreak had me sobbing on a dorm room floor, feeling like I was dying. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t even move, my heart actually felt like someone crushed  it into tiny little pieces. I know this may not be an eloquent way to describe it, but it’s brutal man, it’s something that even writing about now, when I am happy as a clam in my current relationship, makes my stomach flip. I still remember the feeling in my chest, that heavy feeling, when the person I loved the most, looked me in the eyes and told me he no longer loved me. I still remember how hot the tears were that floated down my cheeks onto the pavement. I still remember the shoes I was wearing that day.  I still remember him letting go of my hand. I still remember that last kiss before he turned away when I knew it was really over. 

This is not because I still love this person, or wish that he was still in my life, but because that feeling, of heartbreak, the pain of watching the person you love fall out of love with you, stays with you. It bleeds into your life in a way you don’t even realize. For me it was so engrained in my mind, in my heart, that it took me years to finally let someone in again. 

So for me, it’s a little harder to fully grasp the fact that I am in a relationship, and even harder to know what to do, or really what not to do. In the past, before my big bad brutal heartbreak, I planned ahead. We both did. We had this whole future planned out, to only be smacked in the face (figuratively) realizing that it would never happen (again, thank goodness it didn’t but still at the time, big ol’ ouch factor). So I find myself with this incredible person, who makes me smile bigger than I ever have before (ew),  who I really don’t want to ever “not know”, and in my head,  started to plan ahead. I mean not like some crazy, white picket fence, marriage around the corner type deal (except if you know me this has definitely crossed my mind), but little things. Like asking him to be my wedding date at a wedding in a few months, or us planning a trip for the summer, or planning on where we will be in a year. I started to do this then got a knot in my stomach, fearing that I was making a mistake. Fearing that the more I planned ahead with him, penciled him into my sick ass dinosaur calendar, the more it would hurt if these plans didn’t happen. Nothing is permanent, especially people and relationships, I’ve come to learn, but that doesn’t mean I can’t wish that this time, this boy, will be. I mean I am all for living in the moment, but I’m also all for plans. I love to think of where we will be in 5 years, or 5 months, or when we will live together and decorate our house with white duvets and pink flowers in vases we found at thrift stores on trips we took driving from coast to coast. I love the romance of it all, and the idea that this person, that makes me my heart so full, and my stomach filled with crashing waves of those stupid butterflies, will be someone I can have in my life forever. But alas, that’s not very realistic, and in order to not go blindly into something then end up crying while listening to “our song” while driving down the busy streets of LA, thinking about our  possible “lasts”, I need to be a little realistic.. right? I hate to admit when things scare me, but this whole ~having a boyfriend~ thing does. As much as my brain is telling me to be realistic, my heart is telling me to go all in, to not let fear control my actions. I guess instead I need to follow what I tell all of you, don’t let the fear of heartbreak make you miss out on loving and loving with your whole entire heart. I mean if this goes south, if I have to erase the plans on that calendar, if my heart shatters into a million little pieces, at least I got to experience the love that I have for this boy, and I mean I wouldddd get more sad content for this blog…ha. I guess I just wonder if planning ahead, if thinking that something will last forever, is me simply being naïve, or if it’s me letting myself love with my whole heart and being hopeful for it to work out? Whatever it is, I would rather have this boy in my life for however long, and get to know him, than not know him at all. Okay, sappiness over, get ready for more posts my little bundles of love, this writing hiatus is finally over. pce out, gotta get back to work now, also I finished that coffee, it was awful.