i thought love wasn't supposed 2 hurt

~PRE WARNING, this is a long ass post so I apologize, but ya girl has gotta get all the emotions out there. ALSO this post is very mushy gushy, overflowing with romance and a sickening amount of happy bullshit and all that goooood good love, so beware of my heart quite literally vomiting on the page, normally it won’t be like this, but I caught the feeeeeels so bare with me babies!~

So as I sit here listening to sad songs, because ya know, I clearly just love to be in pain, I am thinking about the boy who quite literally stole my heart. I realized, it wasn’t an accident, you know, meeting him. I never liked to believe in those bullshit fairytale endings and rom com “meet cutes”, though I fantasize about them more than I’d like to admit. I am realistic in a sense, I think rationally, though my heart is most definitely the leading force when it comes to love. Logic goes right out the window, and I see butterflies and cotton candy skies instead of facts and figures and things like ~distance~. I seriously feel completely and utterly enchanted, smitten, infatuated, ENAMORED with this guy. And truthfully part of me feels like it’s kind of kismet, that somehow for some reason, we were meant to meet.  I have been calling him my “crush” and I like that more than giving him any other title, though this guy deserves so much more than a simple nickname of crush, but I want to keep this story as understated as possible. Not because of him or even how I ~feel~ about him is in anyway understated, but because something about talking about it, writing about it, telling the world (ha okay my like 10 loyal readers) about this guy, takes it away from me. I feel like this time, this boy, this story, I want to keep all the ~real~ stuff, all the juicy details, all the elements that make my heart feel full and happy, to myself. That being said, I do want to explain what I am feeling right now, and that is absolute heartbreak. Not the kind of heartbreak that makes you want to literally die, but the kind that simply just hurts. That stings. That makes you cry in the uber on your way to work making your mascara run down your red cheeks onto your shaky hands, all while the uber driver is trying his best to avoid eye contact with the crazy crying girl in the backseat. The kind where you haven’t necessarily lost someone, but you are longing for them. The kind that gives you a taste of perfection, teases you with an idea that is quickly taken away from you before it could really even unfold. But to put it in basic terms, I fell in love with the most amazing boy I have ever met just weeks before he left and moved across the damn country. 

So get this. The year I leave the school I had gone to from elementary up until middle, aka where I did my formative years of growing up, aka braces and janky ass outfits, was the year this boy went to that school. He became friends with all of my childhood friends. I had heard of him, seen some pictures on facebook, knew the name. Then years later, both of us end up at the same college. We didn’t interact once, literally never crossed paths, at least that we know of. Then this summer, my childhood best friend had an idea to go out on the town, she said the names of people I knew from elementary/middle school were there including my crush. I was in bed, full on ready to call it a night. I was tired and as much as I loved the idea of a mini reunion as well as some strong ass margaritas, I made the decision to stay in. The clock was ticking, and I was rolling around my bed getting antsy. I didn’t know why, because usually my mind is set when it comes to staying in my bed. But this night was different. Something was bothering me and I didn’t know why I had this urge to make the journey from my bed to a night out. I mean my romance driven heart likes to believe somehow I knew I had to meet this guy. But it was probably just fomo let’s be real. So with the drop of one text, my decision was changed. There I was covering my lips in red lipstick, and throwing on a one of a kind ~little black dress~. Again, I didn’t know why but I felt that this night of all nights I had to go alllllll out. I had to straighten my hair to perfection, wear the cutest outfit I owned, and strut into this encounter as confident as ever. Finally we all meet up and there he is. The boy whose name I already knew, but didn’t know much of anything else. We introduced ourselves and that was about it. Later in the night, a few drinks here and there, everyone was friendly and dancing with one another and I began to notice something about him. His smile. It was the kind of smile that made you HAVE to know what he was smiling about. It was enticing to say the least. Though he definitely peaked my interest, I didn’t make a move, nor did he. I mean I had been recently hurt by Philly Boy, and didn’t think of going for someone new, whether it be just a hookup or something more. The night ended, we said our goodbyes, but that dumb smile on that dumb boy was stuck in my mind. I didn’t like the uncontrollable feeling of liking someone. I was doing just fine not having a crush. Not thinking about a boy, not fantasizing about the way he kissed, not thinking about his clothes on my floor and his naked body in my bed. I tried to get it out of my mind, but obviously I wasn’t very good at it. About a week later he had a ~party~ at his house, and I again, without admitting it, tried to look as AMAZING as possible. I didn’t want to say “it’s because that BOY will be there” but in the back of my head I knew that’s what it was. We get there and he was wearing this blue patterned shirt with a collar, and I remember thinking it was the coolest shirt I had ever seen. Maybe it was because he was wearing it, or maybe it was just my crush filled eyes falling for him, but I couldn’t help but keep looking over at him (and blaming it on the shirt of course, not anything else, like his smile, or his really pretty eyes, or him in general, nope not any that). The night went by like any other classic kickback type parties. I drank, we did shots, I danced, we danced, and then a move was made. I mentioned how his apartment was “sick” (very descriptive, I know)  and he said the classic, most cliche sentences from the ~human party mind~, “well how about I show you around”. I mean come on, pretty sure every boy who hosts a party says this line, just to get a girl up into their room, show them their subpar collection of art they have on their walls all before sitting on their bed and trying to take off your shirt. Yes my tone is filled with disdain, but did it work you ask? Absolutely. 

So there we are in his room, sitting across from one another talking about how crazy it was that we were finally meeting after years of possible interactions as well as the fact that for straight up 2 years we lived only streets away from one another. He told me about him moving in a few weeks to San Francisco and I told him about LA. I don’t know why or what prompted this, but I told him he shouldn’t go just yet, because I wanted more time with him. Bold, creepy, weird? I know. He laughed and said we should hang out before he left, and that made me all giddy inside, and then suddenly, time stopped. To me it felt like the movie scene, where the song that might make you cry comes on, the boy pushes through the crowd, finds the girl, puts his hand on her cheek and passionately kisses her while everyone around them becomes just a blur, becomes white noise, and there they are, their lips on one another and nothing else around. To him though, he was drunk and honestly I highly doubt he even remembers this moment at all (I hate my sentimental ass sometimes). But there we are, our conversation slowing down, and he inches closer to me, putting his hand right on my cheek, just like in the movies, and then slowly his lips were on mine. He tasted like whiskey and mine, probably the same. I didn’t want to stop kissing him, but I knew that I had to go. I pulled that classic Cinderella moment, well more or less because someone walked in on us, but I did the whole “I must go”, looked back and said goodbye before fleeing down the stairs and going back home with a giant smile on my damn face.

After that kiss my mind wouldn’t stop circling around this boy. I though, the smart and sensible individual that I am (HAAAA) told myself to not get involved. I mean he was fucking cool, he had good style, I felt weirdly overly comfortable with him, we had the same friends, he was a fucking great kisser, BUT he was moving. I didn’t want to fall for some guy who was about to move across the country in literally two months, so I decided not to pursue it. 

This boy though clearly didn’t see it that way, he asked me everyday to hang out, literally. He had new ideas each time too, and as much as I wanted to say yes, I kept bailing. I would say yes then come up with some sort of excuse to not see him. I mean I wasn’t trying to be an asshole, but I didn’t want to get hurt. Totally valid, of me (I guess). But also maybe next time I shouldn’t leave the door open to give someone a little bit of hope and just shut them down altogether. Granted, so thankful I didn’t do that. This is actually the only thing I regret about the whole situation, bailing on him so much. I should’ve just hung out with him the first time he asked, but I am an idiot when it comes to love, and we all know that. He was determined though, and kept it up, and finally, I gave in. I was feeling pretty good and secure with myself, feeling that whole ~hot girl summer~ feel, so I decided fuck it, hang out with the cute boy who knows how to kiss, just don’t catch feels. EASY as that, right? NOPE. I mean this whole not catching feels thing is a lot easier said than done. Granted, I’ve accomplished this goal, and so in the moment I thought it was a feasible plan. But of course, OF COURSE, I was wrong. 

Again you don’t need the details, but all of a sudden I was hanging out with this kid every single day. We would make dinner together (well he would make dinner, I would just eat it), we would go out with our friends and get drunk, he would sleep over, we would have incredible, and I mean incredible sex, he would rub my back, we would watch tv all cuddled up on his bed, he would bring me icecream or come over and watch the sun go down.  I had planned for it to be a hookup, nothing more, but that idea simply escaped me. I didn’t even realize at first, because it was all happening so naturally, so fast. It felt like I had always known him, like there wasn’t a time in my life where I hadn’t known him, and that fucking scared me. I couldn’t really understand it either. I mean I had been with a good amount of people and nothing ever felt like this. It felt like this person was already my best friend. That anything good or bad that had happened I wanted to tell him and only him. It felt like I would never get bored around him, that even sitting doing nothing if he was there excited me. Which even writing that makes me roll my eyes, but fuck it man, I am a sucker for love. He was leaving soon, I knew that, but I didn’t even think about it because everyday, I would see him, we would eat something crazy, drink some wine, have some HOT sex, and have the most amazing time together. I was so happy. Really. The feeling of complete and utter contentment. I couldn’t help but smile when he was around or just smile at the thought of him and something about being around him made me want to be a better person, it made me want to be happy, made me want to avoid ever being sad or upset again. This year was a rollercoaster of horrible horrible happenings, and I got to a pretty low place, but he was like a fucking ray of sunshine, and I hate that comparison, I truly do, it’s gross I KNOW, but you meet this boy, you see his smile, you’ll know what I mean. 

As the days were inching closer and closer to his departure a knot the size of Kentucky grew in my stomach. I didn’t think about it the whole time, I was only living in the moment, enjoying the time spent with this incredible human. But then there we were, sitting at this coffee shop by both of our houses. He was a regular there so the people would always give him free donuts (I went alone once and they didn’t give them to me and I am STILL bitter about it). We both had work that day so we only had a little bit of time left before we both had to go our separate ways. He sat across from me eating his breakfast sandwich and sipping on overly sweetened coffee, when he smiled and lightly touched the top of my hand with his. I had held his hand before, many times, I mean I had done a lot more than that if you know what I mean HAHAHA, but for some reason this moment, his hand sitting atop of mine, made my heart straight up JUMP out of my chest. All of a sudden my heart was racing, and I couldn’t really catch my breath all that well and the thought of him getting up, letting go, and walking away made me want to cry. I don’t know man, I guess I just never wanted that moment to end. I wanted us to stay there forever. Sun shining down on us both and his smile and his greenish grey eyes just right there in front of me. Everything, and I mean everything was perfect. Even some woman who saw us said we were the cutest little love birds that “made her day”. Her saying that also made my day because HELL yes queen we are mother fucking cute together, thank you for noticing.

ANYWAYS, to put it lightly, nothing lasts forever, and of course this moment, and my time with him had to end. He got up and so did I, and there I was walking to work and still thinking about that smile. All day in fact he was on my mind, and I couldn't help but weirdly miss him.I just wanted to be back in bed with him again, his arm around me, and the sound of a sad song about summer lovers playing in the background. I think that's when I knew I was falling in love with him. When I just didn’t want our time to end, when I wouldn’t see him I would miss him, when he smiled my stomach literally turned into butterflies and I just wanted to squeeze his stupid cheeks. Ew this all sounds so romantic and lovey dovey, which of course it is, but I have a point I swear. 

This past weekend he left. Now I am not a crier. At least in front of people.  To get me to cry is a very rare occurrence, not even a possibility really. But standing in front of him, seeing all his stuff packed up and him ready to leave broke my damn heart. I wasn’t ready. Everything had just started, and everything felt perfect. So like yeah I keep using the word perfect, and I know nothing is ~perfect~ but this was pretty damn close. For the past month we were able to walk to one another in a matter of minutes and spend our days together and that was all about to change. I wasn’t ready, I’m still not ready.  I sobbed, boy did I sob. My eyes were red and puffy and I was like a damn baby, and this was in public of all places. LIKE WHAT? I don’t know, I guess it just sucks to finally meet someone who in my eyes, in my mind, is absolutely beyond any doubt, perfect, who is truly the most special and incredible person, and have him for just a second, and then have to let him go. This kid was a literal genius, who had a huge…… um, heart (HAHAHA), good style, great in bed, NICE, kind, I could go on and on, because it still doesn’t really make sense to me. Part of me even felt like I didn’t deserve him, and maybe that’s true. Maybe he will go out to California, meet some smarter cooler engineer girl and simply forget I ever existed. Maybe that was the whole point in meeting him for me. If there are other lives before this one, I must have done some really fucked up shit to deserve that though. I mean I hope that doesn’t happen, but that’s life right? Sometimes I love the idea that everything is temporary, it excites me, it awakens a side of me with endless possibilities. But other times, like this time, I hate it. I hate that it’s all temporary. That one day I will wake up and he’ll be next to me in bed, and then the next he will be gone and I’ll be all alone. Being alone is fine, but getting that taste of love with this specific boy makes me want it to last forever. I feel like these past few weeks were so special and beautiful and I wonder if it will just never happen again. I wonder if that was just a small moment, and we will continue our lives without one another and that really hurts my heart. I said I wanted that summer love, but summer love ends and I don’t want this to end. I have no control of distance or timing or love and that is so damn frustrating.  Why can’t love, just love, be the one thing that lasts forever? Like WHY! I just wish that this time, this boy, this summer would have lasted forever. That right now instead of crying into my pillow, I was sitting next to him watching the clouds turn into animals, or a sunny day turn into a star filled darkness. There are so many things I feel like we didn’t get to do, like get drunk and jump in the Charles, or go to a movie and make out in the back row, or get really fucking high and listen to music from high school while sitting on my floor with my roommates. Little things and big things I wish I could do with him but I can’t. I end up doing something and being really fucking happy but in the back of my head apart of me is wishing he was there and it hurts a little. That pain though, that longing, I think it might just be worth it. I guess my whole point in this is that I tried to stop it, I tried to stop from falling in love with this guy, but every single part of me is so happy that I did. I don’t regret getting involved, I don’t regret falling in ~love~. As much as I wish he were here and that everything didn’t have to change, I am also so beyond thankful to have gotten the chance to meet him, get to know him, and fall in love with him. I’d rather have gotten to know him for the short amount of time that I did, than not know him at all. Who knows what will happen in the future or if he’ll forget me quicker than it took me to fall for him, but whatever does happen at least I can say that I got to know him and that I got to experience a kinda ~love~ I barely even knew existed. And look I know love isn’t supposed to hurt, but it does right now, and I know I question a lot of the time if it’s even worth it, but after meeting this boy, after falling for him, I know with all certainty it most definitely is. Who knows if in a few months my perception of ~love~ will be the same, but for now, I just gotta say let love happen, don’t stop it because you’re scared of heartbreak and pain and rejection. I would much rather know this feeling, experience this feeling, than never feel it again. AND THAT’S THE TEA my friends, that is the damn tea.