i let u treat me like i'm nothing

So back in middle school, I was a young 6th grader, wearing strictly clothes from Delias and/or Limited Too, typically consisting of capri pants an ironic t shirt that had a slogan saying something like “fry-day i’m in love” with a picture of fries, as well as sneakers and high socks that had animals on them. To say the very very least, ya girl had NO fashion sense. My hair was long and barely brushed, and I was loud, annoying, and if I didn’t like what a teacher said I would question them in front of the whole class. I was one of those. But still, as that young, naive, ill dressed 6th grader, my heart was longing for love. Since I can remember that’s really what I always wanted. Love. To find the Josh to my Cher, or the Gordo to my Lizzie. I wanted a classic boyfriend, with swishy hair, who surfed (though I literally lived NO WHERE near a beach) who would slide his hand into my capri pants butt pocket while walking down the hall, and kiss me so my foot popped, like in all the classic romance movies. But for me, being a young 6th grader, who didn’t even have a phone yet, and who most definitely still played with Barbies, was scared of all of this, especially the idea of being kissed. That being said, I had crushes,  I mean, who didn’t? My mom tells me I had a crush at the age of two, and for anyone who really knows me, there is no way that’s not true. I have been a flirt since birth. So here I am walking the carpeted halls of my quaker school, in my capri pants, fantasizing that one day my prince charming would ride up on a horse and tell me everything I always wanted to hear. Instead though, there was no horse, but a yellow school bus, and the prince charming was just a messy, smelly 8th grade boy. This boy rode the bus with me every single day. He was older, taller, and had the whole swishy hair thing going for him. He would always run onto the bus, right before it was about to leave. The days he missed the bus, were the days I sat and sulked in the back while listening to sad Jesse Mccartney songs. Because god forbid I am not able to stare at the back of his head for my 30 minutes bus ride home??? He was sweaty, because he would play soccer before and constantly be out of breath. It was one very hot day, there I am in the back of the bus (the COOL spot) and he rushes on. I pull out a water bottle from my bag and start to drink it. All of a sudden he turns around at the sound of the plastic cap breaking off from the bottle. He looked like he had never seen a water bottle before. Through his heavy breaths he asks, no, BEGS me if he can have a sip of water. I, being the lame little 6th grader and him being the hot older 8th grader, of course gave it to him. We then started to talk. That was the beginning of the end for me. My unrealistic crush had turned into something almost tangible. After that day, every single day it was almost like clockwork. The bus driver would start the bus, he would run as fast as he could to make it, bang on the doors, then come sit close to the back by me. I would hand him a water bottle and we would talk for jussttt a little bit before he turned back to his friends. At this point, since I was also thirsty I started to bring two water bottles, one for me and one for my crush. Now you might be saying WOW pathetic young girl bringing two water bottles for a boy who barely gave her attention. BUT NO. This was a goddamn act of love if I ever saw one. It wasn’t to be cool or to get his attention or to even get him to like me, it was honestly solely because I cared about him. I cared that this boy was thirsty, that he may very well be dying of thirst, and when I packed my bag in the morning, I didn’t just think about myself or what weird lil outfit I was gonna wear, but I also thought about him. 

Now if you are wondering, nothing ever happened with that crush of mine. HEARTBREAKING, I know.  Years later we ran into each other in grand central station, and I of course thought that meant “wow clearly that boy must be my soulmate” but nah it was just a good ol coincidence. But it’s irrelevant that nothing happened, because I think about that boy and that extra water bottle I always brought (forcing my parents to wonder why they had to buy new packs of water bottles at such a rapid pace), and how much I truly cared/care about the people in my life. 

Since I was younger I had always put a lot of effort into the people that I love. Whether it be romantic or platonic, I just always really cared about them. Now I think about other relationships I’ve had and how sometimes, well, most of the time, I cared far more than they did. My ~first love~, I constantly was doing these things, surprises, little gifts, poems, lil acts of love if you will, and all I got in return was him cheating on me at a house party while I was upstairs… HAHA okay that was a reach, because he did do some sweet things as well, but the majority of my relationships was me being that romantic, sweet, caring person, and my significant other just kinda not giving a shit. Now I am not saying that I do these things, or did these things to get anything it return, it’s more or less just how I am. Which clearly is a saint of a damn person. HAHA no, but I mean I guess I just constantly expected the very minimum out of these people while giving them my all. I am not a great/perfect person by any means, and me saying this isn’t me being like YAH I am amazing, and everyone I dated fucking sucks, because that’s just not true. I think everybody shows their love and affection in different ways. For me, sometimes I care too much, sometimes I put these people above myself and my needs and that  I need to work on. There needs to be a balance of course. But if you love someone, if you truly truly love someone, shouldn’t you naturally put in that extra effort? I feel like I am out here putting 100% of myself into the people that I love and I guess I am just wondering if I’ll ever find the person who will bring me an extra water bottle on the damn bus ride home? SO cheesy I know, but I mean it. We all deserve that, don’t we? I see my friends giving so much love to the people in their lives, and their significant others quite literally treat them like garbage. Why do we settle for that? Is it because we are all far too insecure to see our worth? At least maybe that’s me. I think sometimes I don’t think I deserve love, I don’t think I deserve the effort, and someone who gives a shit, but in reality I do. We all do. In the past I would go for these guys who thought that saying “ I care about you more than you realize” once every year was the equivalent of showing me they loved me, or showing affection. And hey, news flash, it’s not. I don’t need someone to shower me with flowers everyday, but like hey maybe showing that you care is a good idea. Right now I have a crush on a boy who quite literally may be the best person I have ever met, and he treats me disgustingly well. And by that I mean I was full on freaked out at how genuinely nice and caring he was. At first I was thinking there must be a catch, but nope, it’s just my traumatized ass thinking that the perfect guy only put little to no effort in, all while barely showing any true interest. Someone who treats me with respect? Someone who shows that they care? Nope, nonexistent, or at the very least crazy. But this guy is unreal, and I truly wish I met him earlier in life, especially because he (of course) is moving across the country in two weeks. But I think I am just thankful I met him at all, thankful I got to know someone so fucking kind, so ~good~ and I think as sad as it will be to see him go, I am just happy I got to know him.I’d rather have met this ridiculous human for the short amount of time that we have, than not have met him at all, ya know? Ew me saying this makes me cringe at how cheesy I am being right now, especially because I’d probably never say this to his face, but when you meet someone who is as amazing as him it makes ya all sentimental, all smiley and buuuuullshit. Whatever, I guess it’s just nice to know that there are people out there that will actually treat you well and with respect. Who would’ve thought? 

It sucks but I can’t really tell you the reason I and everyone I know goes for these shitty people who quite literally think more of their 9 dollar beer than our feelings, but I want out of this constant loop of heartbreak. I don’t want to keep going for these assholes who treat me like I’m nothing. I need to stop letting these people into my life, because as much as they suck, which they do, I am the one letting them in and letting them stay and in turn making their immature/mean/horrible/terrible behavior acceptable (WHICH IT’S NOT).

I want the person who cares, the person who doesn’t play games. The person who isn’t afraid to tell me how they feel. The person, who brings that extra water bottle in their bag knowing that I might be thirsty. It’s not too much to ask. It’s really more normal than not to put in some goddamn effort. I wonder if we stop romanticizing the douchey guys who are emotionally unavailable, who want to fuck us than ghost us, who cringe at the thought of an actual date, then maybe we will finally meet the right person?