i want to stay like this, with u, forever

I was recently standing in front of someone whom my heart once longed for. There we were, music blasting in our ears, and a huge smile on both of our faces. In the moment I wasn’t thinking about what was going to happen when the lights came back on, or what had happened in the past when my lips were on his, I was only thinking about the way the dim lights made his eyes just a little bit brighter than they usually were. Now I promised this certain person, per his request, that I wouldn’t “blog about them”, so in hopes at keeping this promise, I will not give a name, nor his ~fake blog name~, or any real details, but I do need to mention our encounter just a bit in order to explain what is going through my head at the moment. And I realize this may be repetitive, because I have spoken about this before, but it’s eating away at me, and I wish it wasn’t. I have come to understand the ways in which nothing can be permanent. Part of me, well, most of me (reluctantly), has even grasped this idea, despite my longing for ~more time~ with some people or moments. I try my best to ~live in the moment~ to not think about the fact that in just a few more hours or days, I might not see the person that’s standing right in front of me again, for awhile, or at all. So this certain person that once had my heart, well we had, what I’d like to call, a brief encounter. I mean I really liked this guy. I don’t know why, but he felt really special to me. I mean, most people I share intimate moments with (and no I am not just talking about sex, get your damn head out of the gutter), I tend to deem, ~special~. But in this case, I don’t know what it was, I still don’t know what it is, but something about him, about how we met, about how he takes sultry selfies and posts them on his story, or how he wears all black basically everyday of his life, whatever it is or was, for some odd reason makes me really care about him. I mean my San Fran boy has my heart, it’s allll his (I don’t even think he cares/realizes this), but this guy, and this moment, ya know, with the music blasting and the dim lights, felt really fucking good. We were standing there, and now looking back it seems awfully brief, but in the moment, felt like it would never end. I love these moments, these moments that while they are happening nothing else matters. Nothing was distracting from being right there, him right in front of me, right next to all the people I care about so much. I guess what I am trying to say here is that though everything is fleeting, though I could wake up tomorrow and so many things could change, I want to, no, I need to , start appreciating the beautiful moments that happen to me, while they are happening. This past summer has been full of these little ~cheeky~ moments, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around how lucky I must be to be able to experience them. I’m gonna tell you a few, that really stuck out to me, that really just sit right in my heart next to so many other things that I love. The first, and probably my favorite was with my San Fran Boy. We were sitting by the Charles River, eating pokeeeee (lol whenever I say this word out loud I laugh a little), and listening to songs about summer. The sun was slowly going down, and the cheap bottle of wine he brought was finding its way from the bottle to our mouths faster than the people walking by on their way home. Nothing crazy or extravagant happened this night, but something about it was so perfect. Honestly I think it was my favorite night this whole entire summer. I was leaning back on my arms and his head was on my stomach, which made me laugh. My arms were around him, floating just above his chest. He smelled like that cheap wine, but also like his cologne, and I can still smell it now. In this moment though, even though I knew my days left with him were scarce, all I could think about was how amazing it was. How I was so incredibly happy to be there, to be there with him. The second we left, my mind became cluttered of “what if’s” and goodbyes, but in that moment nothing else seemed to matter. If I could go back in time to that exact night with that exact boy, I wouldn’t change a thing. 

Weeks later I had another one of these moments. I went to the concert of the boys I’ve loved since I was straight up 12 years old (the Jonas Brothers if you were wondering). They were right there, in front of me. I was screaming along to their songs, crying at times (a lot of times), and nonstop smiling. I was truly truly happy. The kind of happy that even writing about it, thinking about it makes me smile now. I never wanted it to end. Days after, I was still thinking about that night, wishing that there was a reset button, that I could just press, then magically go back to standing there hearing them sing songs I used to listen to when I was younger.

This summer I went to my first red sox game. I know, living in Boston all this time and never seeing the red sox is lame as fuck, but ya girl was ~busy~... Anyways I went there and I was with people I grew up with, people that I love. It ended up being one of the best nights I’ve had here in Boston. I am leaving soon and for sure reminiscing on nights spent gallivanting through the city with the friends I’ll love forever and this night, at that game, was so incredibly special. I ended up on the ~big screen~ which might not be crazy amazing to all of you, but to me, to my friends, in that moment was literally spectacular. We were drinking vodka and lemonade, dancing to songs, yelling at the other team. Again, it was perfect. 

And now, back to the boy, the one with the bright eyes, who once could’ve had my heart. I got to see him, after a good amount of time of not seeing him, and I am truly thankful for that. Not just because I got to see him, or that he took a break from his crazy work filled schedule to drink shitty vodka with me out of plastic shot glasses, and dance along to music that was just a bit too loud. But because we, once again, had a night that I never wanted to end. It felt like no time had passed. Like it was just us, dancing the night away (again). I didn’t need to think about the next day, or the next week when I would not see him again, but I had this one night, this one moment. I got to see him in his ~element~, to see him doing something he loved, being this incredibly talented and strong willed person, and just being able to see that, and have that night, made me happy. Maybe all we were and are, is brief encounters, but getting to see him again, see him smile and full of life, made my damn night. And though it probably seemed dull and unexciting, a night much like any other to the people around us, even maybe to him, to me, it felt like everything somehow fit perfectly together, and was a night I won’t be able to forget.

I guess I have been thinking a lot about the people that I have so much love for and the moments that we have shared. About how yes, nothing is permanent, everything is temporary and fleeting, but the moments that we are able to experience, the people that we love that we are able to know, those nights that make us smile uncontrollably, they matter.  Even if they seem dull, and are not filled with crazy happenings, and unusual beginnings, doesn’t mean they aren’t special. Some of my favorites nights this summer were the modest ones, the discreet ones that from the outside may seem lifeless, but to me, meant the world. Even though these nights will end, despite everything in my heart not wanting them to, we need to be present, we need to stop and take it all in. If those nights lasted forever, if somehow I was stuck in some weird alternate universe and had to pick one night to relive over and over, I would choose one of these and be completely content, completely happy with that choice. I had so many of these moments this summer, a lot were spent with San Fran boy, who puts a smile on my face like no other, some were spent with the incredible friends I have, my roommates, my family, my dogs. Then some were spent alone, watching the sun rise, watching the sun set, and feeling completely at ease. I think that I need to cherish these moments just a little bit more, while I am living them. I am one to overthink, to constantly have my mind racing from one thing to the next. I’ll think about what has happened in the past with a certain person, what will happen in the future with them, instead of just being there with them. These moments, these really amazing moments that I would bottle up and save forever (lame but true) need to be lived in, need to be fully appreciated. Because like I have said many times, like we all know, permanence is just an idea, a thought that was created to trick us. Nothing lasts forever, even love, which I think is preposterous, and honestly not true because I definitely still have love for everyone (well...mostly everyone) I’ve loved, but that’s another story, another rant, another post for another time. But nothing, and I mean nothing lasts forever. So if you are standing there in front of someone you love, having one of those nights you wish could last forever, your favorite song is playing, the sun is going down, the skies become cotton candy, the streets become bare of all the busy people, it’s just you and him, he’s holding your hand and spinning you around like in the movies, just be there and enjoy it. We need to stop worrying about days before, days after, the tomorrows, when we wake up and he’s moved across the country to San Francisco and probably forgotten what you look like (ugh), just live in those beautiful moments with the people that you love and care about. Instead of years later looking back on these moments, on these people, with sadness and heartbreak and wishing I cared just a little bit more. I want to be in these moments, the ones that make me smile, and look at them with love, now, not in years when I can’t even remember what day it was. I think my goal for the rest of the summer, for the rest of my damn life, is be as present as humanly possible. To stop worrying and overthinking, just standing there and taking in what’s happening, because before I know it, it will all be over.