is it stupid to tell u that i miss u?

So it’s kinda late, I am tired, I had such a great day with my MOM aka my best friend of all time, and here I am sitting in bed and I miss one of my boys. I hate saying “one of my boys” because honestly to me, being that I am a big old mushy gushy hopeless romantic ~all of my boys~ are special in a certain way. For example Chet, remember him? He made me realize what it was like to truly fall for someone without having sex first. Then there was Basketball Boy who out of every boy I have ever kissed, treats me with the utmost respect, who cares, and shows empathy, and who makes me feel all ~warm~ inside when I’m with him (I know, that sentence made me gag a bit too). Oh then Bartender Boy turn English teacher over night taught me that hey maybe wait it out and don’t start hooking up with the first guy you see because AH HAH his roommate is way more your type and then you might end up ruining your chances with both of them… okay that was harsh, Bartender Boy was cool/smart/has a knack for pouring a frozen margarita into a plastic cup just the right way, but he really was special to me in a way, he made me see that not every boy I crush on will end up being my soulmate or even like me back. He didn’t feel the same way I felt, but hey that’s okay. I mean he’s happily (ugh) in a relationship with someone else, if we continued to hook up and eventually got into a relationship not only would I have absolutely HATED him (he would’ve hated me too that’s for sure) but we just wouldn’t have worked out. They seem to be working out because they are ~meant to be together~ right now, or forever I don’t know, but me and him weren’t, and that is okay. Then there is Quinton, dear dear Quinton, who took my damn virginity, and taught me what love was, in a way that it took us both YEARS and I mean years, aka from age 14 until now to finally say it to one another. Oh and we can’t forget Mr. Ivy League (well you all don’t really know him yet, but maybe one day I’ll tell you ~his~ story), who taught me that just because I am hurting doesn’t mean I have the right to fuck with someone elses feelings. Mr. Ivy League was and is special to me, something about that clever little smile of his, gets me every time. But okay I am getting off topic, because if you know me the list can and will go on and on. And I don’t mean my sex list (that’s ANOTHER topic in itself) I mean the boys, or the people I should say, who meant something to me, who mean something to me. This makes me seem ~v slutty~ that I have a list of guys from my past/present/future(?), but really it’s not, and I shouldn’t have to explain myself, so I won’t HAHA. Anyways, as I was saying,the people who have come into my life, and affected me in some way, not only have value but are definitely more than just a name on a list, even if we only hooked up a few times, or went on a few dates. That being said, I miss one of them and I, the expert at love and all things romantic (this is a joke because I clearly am NOT, calm down) don’t know what to do about it. I mean a simple thing would be to text this boy, to tell him straight up, hey its me and I miss you. I miss you the most when I walk by the water on a sunny day, the way we did. Or when I lay in my bed on the side where you laid. I miss you when I hear a Boston accent or see a guy drinking gin. I miss you when the sun is going down and the sky turns to peach and lilac flowers and all I want is for you to be standing there with me holding my hand. I miss you more in the middle of the day when I am staring out the window at my job seeing all the busy people only wishing they were you. I miss you in the morning when I wake up, and in the evenings when I go to sleep. I just really, truly, deeply, totally and completely miss you. hahahah ouch wow… ANYWAYS, I mean worst case scenario is he doesn’t respond, or doesn’t say what I want, which would obviously be “ I miss you too, I’m in love with you, let’s make this work even though our locations and our timing makes it almost impossible ha ha ha ugh”. But then again, I send him that three worded text, and I  give in. I show him that here I am sulking around missing him, instead of ~getting after it~, “it” being new boys and well, life in general. But realistically that is what I am doing and I don’t really care if he knows that. I have said it once, and I will say it a million times again, it’s okay to show your feelings. It’s okay to tell someone you miss them if you miss them. But here comes another layer. WHAT if you miss someone who is, to put it lightly, a mind game playing, ghosting, “i like you a lot just kidding we are done” saying, piece of shit asshole? Like what if this person is just a massive jerk? A jerk who fucks with your head and the only real solution would be to cancel him. Delete his name, unfollow him, the whole shabang. Cut him out the way I like to cut my hair whenever I am having a mental breakdown (heeeeheee no for real though, someone needs to take my kiddy scissors far away from me in times of panic and distress). My smart/logic/helpful friends say the only way to truly get over this is to cut him out, be smart, unfollow him so you don’t have to get angry about him being happy WITHOUT YOU, delete his number so you don’t drunk text him, go out and meet new people so you aren’t only staying home and masturbating to the thought of the last time you guys fucked…. you know? The usual stuff. But listen, that’s a lot harder said than done. It takes TIIIIME to move on. It takes a lot of damn time, time that I don’t necessarily want to have. I want this whole getting over someone to take a quick second. To be like getting a shot or a paper cut. Hurts for a second, I let out a little “FUCK YOU BITCH” to the nice nurse who poked me with that damn demon stick, then the lil bit of blood forms into a cute lil bubble, then BAM slap a nice bandaid on it and its smooth sailing from there on out. But that’s not life, and I don’t think anyone really has the emotional capacity to just “get over things” that quickly. Maybe they do, and I think they are sociopaths, but who am I to judge when I wish I had that capability, ya know? But here I am still missing this dumbass who floats around my heart like something that is stuck in my eye RIGHT after I put my contact in. I don’t want it there, it doesn’t want to be there, but alas, I am late for work and cannot fathom taking my contact out again to remove the piece of mascara hopping around my eye, so I let it stay and run out the door to catch my train. So there it sits ALL DAY, on top of my contact, bugging the shit out of me, until somehow it disappears and I feel at ease again. Do I tell this unavoidable person how I feel, even though all it would do is make me miss him more, make my heart hurt more, and literally do NOTHING helpful besides let my feelings out, because lord knows I can’t keep my big mouth shut without talking for but a second. Or do I keep it to myself, in hopes that eventually like the piece of magically disappearing mascara that was once killing my eye, this boy I miss, will eventually disappear and stop hurting my heart as well? I always thought that saying how you felt when you felt it to WHOM you felt it about, was the best move, but maybe not every.single.damn.time. Maybe it’s better in certain circumstances, like my own, to just not say anything to this certain person. Not bring it to life, and make it known that hey dumb boy yes I miss you but you don’t need to know that because that will only break my heart even more with quite literally anything that you respond or again, don’t respond. I don’t know, I guess I wonder if I just never say it out loud, never say those words to him, eventually I will stop missing him altogether. Or maybe I’ll just simply miss him forever. I don’t know, but now I must get back to watching Schitt’s Creek and laughing my ass off while most definitely, absolutely, completely and utterly still missing ~one of my boys~.