is love even worth it?

I think about the first time I fell in love. It happened pretty fast. Almost as if one day I woke up and it just hit me in the face like the feeling of a cold shower on a hot summer day. I grew up my whole life not knowing the feeling than one day, BAM, I no longer knew what life was like without it. We were sitting in his old car that he got from an old lady by the name of Penelope. She upgraded, and handed it over to him, with the smell of her lilac perfume still lingering, even when we left the windows open all night. That day we had been swimming from the second he picked me up until the afternoon came tumbling down on us. We were jumping in and out of the 20 foot swimming hole, the hot spot for the summer. It started to drizzle, and eventually the rain became harder, so with our shoes in hand, we ran to that old car, escaping the approaching storm. Our bodies were already wet, but the rain came with a different kind of fear. We got into his car and he rubbed his hands over mine to make them both warm. He turned on the radio, back when ~the aux cord~ wasn’t a necessity, and Johnny Cash was blasting through his speakers. Blasting may not be the correct word, more so a muffled sound of Mr. Cash’s voice played lightly in our ears. We started to drive as the storm clouds followed. We then got to a fork in the road. I, without a license at the time (not because I was young, but because I was an idiot who waited until I was 18 to get it…. I AM a good driver though?), didn’t know which way to go to get back to his house. He though, knew exactly where he was taking me. He claimed it was his favorite spot in all of Vermont. He took a left, and then there we were. It was a pond overlooking the whole town. The pond was a mirror, so you could see the tall trees reflected on the water. Though it was raining, we both smiled and hopped out of that old car, and ran towards the water. Without thought, we both jumped in. As we came up from under the water, he looked at me and paused. The storm was but an afterthought while those big grey eyes of his were on me. He came close to me, and kissed me right on the forehead, before he took my hand and we climbed out together. We stood there for just a bit, as he tried to push my hair behind my ear. My hair though, was slicked back from the water, so instead his hand stopped at my cheek. I put my hand on top of his and held it while looking right at him. For what seemed like far longer than it actually was, we stood there, hands touching, water dripping down our faces, and looking at one another. The rain got harder, so we decided to walk back to the car and warm up. He took my hand and we ran together. As we approached the car, he began to let go of me, and pull his hand away. Thats when I knew. That’s when my heart felt it for the first time, that feeling in your chest, of being absolutely and utterly ~in love~. I didn’t want him to let go. I never wanted him to let go. Right in front of me was this perfect boy, this perfect life, and I simply never wanted anything else. 

Now flash forward a few years, and clearly I am not with this boy. Like most first loves, we didn’t stay together. I won’t get into too much detail about the inevitable breakup, but man, it was fucking rough. If you ever felt heartbreak, I am so so sorry. Because heartbreak, quite literally, in my opinion, is by far the worst pain one can go through (broken arm? you are fine, grow up) . I spent most of my days crying on the floor of my dorm room, or in the line of a Panera when he just randomly decided to text me that he still loved me after we already broke up, or when I went on a first date after the break up and this dude tried to kiss me. Yep, he leaned in and all of a sudden a stream of tears were gushing down my face. And that guy was cute too, he probably thinks I am a literal psycho. He was this hot older man who was an actor, who had facial hair, which for a freshman in college was CRAZY, but that’s another story, which is quite irrelevant. Heartbreak is this kind of pain, this aching throughout your whole entire body, this yearning for something you can’t have, a sadness that lingers while you sleep only to appear the second you wake up again. Heartbreak feels as though it will last forever, and the worst part about it is you no longer remember how you felt before it all. Before someone took your heart and threw it onto the ground and smashed it into tiny little pieces on top of a shag carpet so they could never be found again… Maybe a little dramatic, sure, but if someones broken your heart, you fucking know exactly what I mean. It fucking hurt to say the very least. I was in pain. And the one person I wanted to talk to, wasn’t there. 

When I think about my first love, I also have to think about that heartbreak. When I think about love in general I have to think about heartbreak. Something that scares me, yet also intrigues me is the fact that nothing lasts forever. But does that have to apply for love? Why can’t love just last forever, and make things easier on us? I have been in love after my first one, well… I think. Maybe not entirely ~INNN LOVE~ but I have most definitely loved other people. When I think about them though, I also have to think about the fact that they are no longer in my life. That at some point or another we ended and either I was hurting or they were. Heartbreak is inevitable of course, but when will it end? Will it ever? (doubt it). 

My most recent heartbreak is not as strong as this first love of mine, but still hurts. Maybe not as much, and I will probably get over it wayyyy faster. But I have still spent a few nights crying over a boy who had love for, who I still have love for, who will delete me on snapchat, readd me to tell me he;s in Boston, then delete me again the next day, THEN not respond to my text when I ask him wtf is wrong with him. I mean COME ON. At the very least text me back something terribly mean so I can get over you. But my damaged self will probably like him even more if he’s mean to me, so NEVERMIND. Then I think about the boy I have known since I was 14, who took my virginity, who I seriously thought I’d marry one day, and HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND and we don’t speak anymore. And it’s like??? OUCH. That hurts so much. He was once such a big part of my life, a part of my life that I thought would last forever and now is off kissing some other girl… I could go on and on about about all these people I ~loved~ and unavoidably lost, but instead I won’t bore you and instead explain what I really mean. In the most simplest of terms, heartbreak and all this love bullshit sucks, it really just SUCKS. And maybe I am being pessimistic in saying that no matter what we will be heartbroken, but it’s true isn’t it? I mean I think back to these past loves, to the current love (that I really want to fucking forget) and as much as the good times were, well... ~good~, the heartbreak takes over, and that’s all I can think about. I want to believe in love. I want to believe that there is someone out there for everyone, soulmates even (multiple though in my opinion), I want to believe that love is some powerful incredible AMAZING thing, not just some neurochemical con job. But with every part of me that obsesses over romance that obsesses over love, I can’t think about love without thinking about the pain of heartbreak. I sit here, thinking about the stupid boy who has and HURT my heart, and I wonder, is love even worth it? Is it worth the tears and the pain and the heartbreak and the sadness? Or is it just a mistake we make in order to feel good for a second before feeling immense amounts of pain in the future when they inevitably leave? I don’t know, I really don’t, but I really do hope that in the end it is worth it all, because like you all know, I ~lovvvee~ love, and maybe, just maybe, I will ~love~ love a bit more than my hatred and fear for heartbreak. 

~ALSO the photo for this post is from one of my favorite movies of all time called “a lot like love”, if you want a good cry, watch this. get some icecream, lay in bed, and let those tears out. especially if the person you love doesn’t love you HA HAHAHAH, ugh help~