he loves me NOT
I met a guy last summer, at a bar, well behind a bar, he was of course, the ~bartender~ (my old M.O let’s be real). For some reason I loved a guy in power… well in power, as in, over my drinks(???). He had the power to make me anything I wanted, or not make me anything and tell me in a sexy voice “you’re cut off go home”. I just love a good bartender I guess. BUT ANYWAYS back to ~my~ bartender. So he was playing hard to get, and by that I mean he was barely paying attention to me. I mean he definitely was flirting it up a bit, giving me extra shots, too much salt which I commented on, and I’m not gonna lie to you all he kept looking in my direction. Granted, I looked goddamn amazing, one of my best looks thus far. I was all tan and sunkissed, glowing one could say, I mean, this guy would be a fool to not want me. But when it comes down to it, and I look back at our first encounter, he wasn’t really in awe of me, he was merely doing his job, being flirty but not too flirty, making me want more, aka me spending more money and giving him more tips. I like a challenge though, I like to assert myself, especially with guys who come off as a bit shy. He seemed that way, so I made my move. There were these douchey guys chatting up my ear, and I simply ignored them, walked away, and strutted on up to the bar. So instead of playing some bullshit game, and trying to be coy, I just asked him for his number. He laughed and ended up giving it me. I left feeling confident and HOT and incredibly over eager to text him. So we have this little text exchange going, he tells me he's in English teacher (HOTTTT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I thought), we have a bunch in common, he seems really normal, unlike prior choices I’ve made. We decide to go on a date. It was perfect, we get drinks, food, he pays for the hefty ass tip, we end up going out and getting more drinks, having a really great time. We even run into his friends on the T and they all acted as though he talked about me beforehand, so fucking cute. ANYWAYS, we end up sleeping together that night. A lot of people are weird about you sleeping with someone on the first night, but if you are feeling it, which I absolutely was, then go for it. I mean if a guy judges you for sleeping with him on the first date, though he is very much down as well, he is NOT the guy for you. But luckily enough the sex on the first date thing didn’t deter him. We ended up hanging out a few more times. Everytime he was at the bar working he would invite me in and give me free drinks, and sometimes if he got off early enough end up in bed with me. We ended up hooking up for a bit, even into the year, when he was back on his “high school english teacher” gig. Our hang outs though became what we all know and love as booty calls. I would text him to come out with my friends, he would text back at midnight or 1, I would be drunk and horny, then he would end up at my house or mine at his, and this went on for far too long. I mean it wasn’t serious, I never thought it was. Yeah, he met my friends, got em free drinks and such, became a regular face among my group (cough CULT cough). But no one in their right mind would really think that us hooking up only past 1 am was anything more than that?
Regardless of this being literally the opposite of a relationship, whatever it was, was going really well. I mean minus the fact that he constantly, I mean constantly wore vests whenever and wherever. Night out to a chill bar? Vest. Jazz concert? Vest. Rooftop watching the sun go down? You know it. VEST. Even once he woke up to drive me back home, and he wore a fucking vest… come on man. Anyways, eventually I was getting a little bit annoyed with the whole booty call type ordeal, so I invited him to a few things that were, dare I say it, ~before midnight~. Shocking, I know. It was probably 7 or 8 when I would invite him out, and the first two times he “couldn’t” but would end up texting me later in the night to come over. I mean yes I got the message, but I wasn’t giving up just yet, I was going to try one more time to see if maybe just maybe this person who I have a lot in common with, who I enjoy having sex with, and who is fairly nice, would possibly consider doing something besides just fucking me before falling asleep. Not date, hell no, but at least maybe socialize a bit before the whole hook up thing ya know? So I invite him out again, and he says no, I finally hit him back with the classic Tessa phrase of “you suck”. He then decides this is the time to make sure that after months and months of seeing each other, little old me was not catching feelings. He tells me how he loves hanging with me, we get along so well blah blah bullshit BUT, he's not looking for anything serious, and in fact, he’s seeing multiple girls (yeah ok SURE), and just wanted to make sure I didn’t have any expectations. For starters, I mean I didn’t, yes I was lonely and kinda wanted something more than just being a piece of damn meat that you text at 1 am, but I wasn’t trying to date you dude. He was great, and smart, but there were things that I couldn’t get past, for example his vests (hahah). So we don’t talk for a bit because he thinks I have feelings, which I don’t/didn’t, but eventually we start to hookup again. My other ventures were falling through, probably his as well, so why not. A few times though we would hang at his house with his roommate, whom I might add was WAY more my type than this dude. He was in law school, HOT, liked all the same shows, would do drugs with me, stayed up while bartender-teacher over here literally fell asleep. I wondered if only I had met the roommate first? Well bartender-teacher and I just faded, we both stopped texting each other, even for booty calls, I moved on, he must have too (I assumed) and me being a horrible person that I am, ended up hitting up the roommate. We make out, watch some netflix, talk for awhile, and then we cuddle (ha). That’s it, nothing else. I mean I felt a little guilty, but at the same time, whatever, I didn’t owe bartender anything, and this was HIS roommate, so he’s the only one who should feel guilty. After my minute of guilt left, and the roommate left, all I could think about was WOW why didn’t we fuck? Still thinking about it now I know I should've slept with him, but that’s irrelevant to the story. Anyways, both of them sorta became history I’d say. I tried to see the roommate, and he tried to see me a few times after, but nothing ever came out of it. I didn’t even think about bartender or the roommate, until recently. So here I am, minding my own business, swiping through instagram, there it is, staring me right in the face, a dumb instagram post by bartender-teacher with his arm around a blonde chick, both smiling, some cheesy ass caption, and I literally am stunned. I am sitting there, thinking to myself, you have gotta be fucking kidding me. Mr. I am not looking for anything serious, don’t get attached, I’m seeing other girls, asswipe of a man, has a girlfriend? BULLSHIT. So him saying all of that, wasn’t because he didn’t want a girlfriend, or because he wasn’t looking for anything serious, it must have been because he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend in ME. I am fuming. Think of those old cartoons where the old guy gets mad at some young kid, and there is literal smoke coming out of his ears. Yep, that was me. I am sitting there so goddamn angry at this guy, so I like the picture (thinking yeah that's a big FUCK YOU to him). Then I get home tell all my friends about how angry I am, how much of an asshole this dude is, see another tagged picture of them, where they are basically holding hands, and I am in literal distress. THEN I sit on it. I think about it, and realize WAITTT why am I angry? Why am I jealous of some guy who I didn’t even really like. I mean yeah he didn’t want to date me, but I didn’t want to date him. We were so very different, and everytime I would see him I ended up complaining about something to my friends about him. I didn’t like the guy, and realistically if we ended up dating I would dump his ass in a damn second (especially if his roommate was around ha). Realistically it was my ego, it IS my ego. I saw another pic of them today, and my immediate reaction was FUCK THAT GUY, and she’s not even cute. Well, she is, (and I shouldn't ever bring down another girl because I am ~jealous~) but truthfully he doesn’t deserve any anger from me, he didn’t hurt me, he didn’t do anything wrong, (besides, once again, the VESTS). I guess seeing this guy happy and in a relationship, and me still pining after some perfect dude who may not even exist made me a little jealous. Sometimes my ego is too big, and I can’t even see it, then I get all jealous and angry, when in reality there is not reason to be. Me and bartender, to put it lightly, are not, and were not meant to be. I still feel like a kid, while he is literally teaching 18 year olds about lord of the flies. I am not ready to be in a real committed relationship, and he is. Maybe he just didn’t like me, or maybe him and this new girl were far more compatible, but it really doesn’t matter. Whatever it was or is, I should be happy that he’s happy, instead of angry that he didn’t want me. I will find my ~person~ eventually, and honestly I can happily say that it isn’t bartender dude; and that’s okay. Him and his little blonde chick make a damn cute couple, I will admit, through gritted teeth of course... just kidding, they really do. I wonder if I’ll ever get to a place where I am secure enough to skip the whole ego driven rage of seeing an ex in a new relationship, and smile for them, instead of turn into some cartoon old man with smoke shooting out of my ears?
