i fell in love with my best friend

Soooo as you can tell from my not so subtle title, I fell in love with my best friend. When I mean love I mean LOOOOVE.  Granted, this love has simply faded, dissolved, died, passed, the way I hope I pass all of my damn classes (this is me crossing my fingers, hoping my teachers excuse my 10 unexcused absences). He though, hurt me in a way I didn’t think was possible. It was a love that was not returned. Part of me romanticizes the idea of everything in life being some sort of fantasy. If my life could be a rom com, boy would I jump at that idea in a second. Now, rom coms are some of my favorite kinds of films, I could name my top 10 if not 100 right now, but I won’t bore you with all those titles, except for one. Think of When Harry Met Sally. But instead of everything working out in the end (SORRY spoiler, but seriously you should have seen this already, it's an iconic movie), Harry has a girlfriend of 3 long wonderful years, that he stays with, loves, and plans to marry. He leaves Sally in the damn dust, he entertains the idea, but instead he packs up and moves to New York to be with that girlfriend, and leaves Sally in Boston, all alone, and heartbroken. If all of that happened, this movie would not have been as successful, nor really in the rom com genre, more or less, depressing and dramatic, but that my friends, is exactly what happened with Peter, my so called ~best friend~. We would spend literally every day together. It started with us just getting drinks after work, then we would watch movies cuddled up on his couch, then every damn weekend he would sleep in my bed right next to me. He became a boyfriend, that wasn’t actually a boyfriend, “because our lips never touched”. But in all respect, he was a boyfriend. He was always with me, we would go on ~dates~ , we would stay up watching the sun rise while smoking a joint on his roof  or jump into the charles river naked together, he would even tell me he could talk to me in a way he couldn’t with his girlfriend. LIKE WHAT! Don’t do that? Don’t tell me that and expect me not to fall in love with you? Don’t spend a whole day with me, or drunkenly ride around on bikes through the night city, don’t tell me we’re soulmates ~but only when you’re drunk~ and don’t look at me with those stupid big eyes and tell me you love me (but in a joking friend way right?). He met my friends and I would constantly be asked WTF was going on between us. I would always have to say “What do you mean?? Nothing, we are just~friendddss~ he has a girlfriend”, but before I even knew it, they looked at me with eyes that said ”girl you are lying to yourself”. I mean this kid literally would wrap his arms around me every night we slept in the same bed. Also sleeping in the same bed is more than enough for a girlfriend to feel uncomfortable, am I right? He would always say I could never meet her...I wonder why? I didn’t necessarily realize I even loved him until he would take his girlfriends calls in the middle of a movie when it was MY turn to pick, and it felt like getting hit in the stomach with a damn truck. I would sit there, as he looked at me with sympathy beaming from his eyes, do a little shrug, tell me I didn’t need to pause the movie, then walk to the other room, to talk for half an hour with the “love of his life”. There I was, alone, watching this movie I had seen over and over before, the movie I wanted him to watch because it was one of my favorites, and I wanted him to like it too, and I wished that he would just hang up that damn phone, run up to me and kiss me. Like I said though, this is not a rom com, our story didn’t end with him running through the city to find me on new year’s eve to tell me he loved me all these years. Instead, he left. He moved far away, where the love of his life lived, and left me here all alone. It hurt, that last night, knowing in the morning he would be gone and ~with her~, hurt. I wanted him to stay, to choose me, but I don’t even really think I was an actual option in his eyes. I mean yeah I should’ve probably ran when he eventually he told me he had a girlfriend whom he loved, but he maybe shouldn’t have acted the way he did knowing he had a girlfriend.  He left, and my heart was shattered. The kind of shattered where I sat in bed crying, eating ice cream, and of course watching When Harry Met Sally on repeat until I fell asleep. Eventually as I got out of this heart broken funk, I realized that I needed to get over him. So like any rom com obsessed connoisseur I decided to write him a letter. I mean I did just see a movie where the girl writes letters to all her loves, never sends them, they end up getting sent lala classic stuff, so I decided to do the same, without the actual sending. I thought maybe writing down my feelings would help me get over it (this did not work obviously). So I write this heartfelt letter, telling him how I loved him but also how he hurt me. Writing that letter made me realize how much this guy really led me on. He was lonely without his girlfriend, and missed feeling secure, missed feeling wanted and loved, and he took advantage of that by making me his interim girlfriend, but without the sex or commitment. He would visit his girlfriend sometimes, fuck her, then come back and take me on a romantic north end dinner date. Sorry boys, but THAT’S NOT OKAY. He to this day thinks he did nothing wrong, but he did. Don’t get me wrong though, I am also at fault. Next time I will be sure not to get involved, or attached to a guy with a girlfriend, because that is pretty fucked up. I can say “the heart wants what it wants” but no, I was just being selfish. I ignored my head completely and only listened to my big dumb romance ridden heart and it ended up breaking (which maybe I deserved).

But, like I said before, my life is not some romantic comedy, strewn together through meet cutes,true love surmounting any obstacle, and a happily ever after, even though sometimes I wish it was. With Peter, our movie would've been perfect, almost Oscar worthy if I do say so myself. They met at summer camp, became best friends, both hiding feelings from one another, oh wait, he has a girlfriend, but he loves her more, they fall in love, he leaves the girlfriend, and they live happily ever after… NOPE.Peter is not my “Harry to my Sally”, or even my soulmate though it seemed like he was. Even though I loved him, and probably always will, I will be happy for him in whatever he does, I’ll even show up at his wedding with a smile on my face (but if its to the girlfriend he has now, there is no way in hell I’m getting an invite).  Yah we could say it was timing, and that our timing was sorely off, but in reality, Peter was never ~mine~, even though for a bit of time it seemed like he was, he was always hers. As much as I didn’t want to lose him, I had to. I loved him far too much to just be his friend. Seeing him with her, hurt more than I could have imagined and though it hurt to let him go it hurt less than watching him love someone who wasn’t me. Peter is no longer my best friend, we will drunkenly talk occasionally but that's about it. I saved that letter though, sealed in an envelope, with no stamp. Peter has become yet another lost memory, but that letter, and how I felt about him, everything I wrote, and wanted to say, that was real, and I don’t think I am ready to let that go just yet. Moral of the story though, don’t fall in love with your best friend, ESPECIALLY if he has a girlfriend.