a letter to a person i'll never forget but wish that i could

a letter to a person i'll never forget but wish that i could

a letter to a person i wish i never met. to a person who will never read this. to a person who wouldn’t care. to a person who i really liked. to a person who has something that i’ll never get back. a letter to a person i’ll never forget but wish that i could.

when will it stop? 

the sound of your heavy breaths

shouting in my ear 

the feeling of your hands never letting go 

sometimes i still feel them 

like bracelets on my wrist 

tightening around my neck 

when i try to gasp for air

and when i close my eyes

you reappear 

your face, i remember that you didn’t shave 

your smell, like cheap soap on a hot day 

your taste, like watered down whiskey 

you know that used to be my favorite drink? 

a whiskey neat  

held lightly between my hands 

like dads at parties 

with cigars in their mouths 

but now when i see a bottle 

or a whiskey sour being served 

to the girl with the blonde hair 

i’m suddenly back in your room 

pushed on top of your navy blue sheets

that hadn’t been washed 

the underwear i was wearing was also navy blue 

with little lacy bows on the sides

do you remember? 

because i do

i bet they are still hiding from you 

somewhere in that room 

i left too quickly 

before i could find them 

just a small noise 

could have woken you 

and if you had 

i wonder if you would’ve let me go? 

i went back to that bar 

the one where we met 

where the drinks are stronger than your battered hands 

where they play music 

from a time we never lived 

i think i see you 

and my lips begin to shake 

a worried tear slips down my cheek 

and onto the the new white shirt 

that you tore 

but as i inch away 

ready to run to the nearest exit 

i realize it’s not you 

just another boy 

with a maze of brown hair 

and ocean blue eyes

staring down at his 2 dollar beer 

and only then i can breathe again 

until i see a book 

with a bright red cover 

the one you told me to read 

you liked to talk about books 

about movies and far off places

about skating from one town to the next 

with no destination in mind 

you seemed 

so.

sweet. 

you held the door open 

you bought my drinks 

you lightly took my hand 

as we walked back to your house that night 

i wasn’t scared 

but i guess i should’ve been 

that sweet smile 

turned sinister 

the second your door shut

and you knew i couldn’t escape 

when will it stop? 

i ask 

as if you know the answer 

as if you care 

as if you even realize 

that when someone else touches me 

the boy who has my heart

even puts their hand through my hair 

i’m still scared that it’s you 

that every night i wake up 

from the nightmare of your lingering face 

above my body 

that when i walk around the city 

the city that i once loved

my heart stops 

when i see any boy 

that looks like you 

i wonder if the memory 

of you 

of your navy blue sheets 

of the door 

that seemed too far to reach 

will ever fade

or will stay planted in my head 

spreading seeds 

and whispering your name to me 

whenever i try to sleep 

even as i sit here alone 

watching clouds become scarce

listening to the sound of the same song

that makes me smile 

i can still taste the whiskey on your tongue 

still feel your sweaty hands on my arms 

and hear you say “it’s okay” lightly in my ears

i’ll keep asking 

asking you when it will stop

wishing 

i never met you 

begging 

to forget you

but knowing 

that i never will 


i don't want things to change

i don't want things to change

when i'm w/ him i see memories i never even lived

when i'm w/ him i see memories i never even lived