don’t worry, i won’t forget ur birthday or the time u cheated on me

It was an exes birthday two days ago, and naturally I had to wish him a happy birthday. It was casual, sent him the text, he sent a thank you, nothing out of the ordinary. I am the kind of person that if you meant remotely anything to me I will most likely always remember your birthday. I even most likely will text you that classic HBD text, unless you are/were horrible, in which I will be petty and purposely not text you and hope that it hurts you (though you probably won’t care at all). After I sent the short and sweet text, I started wondering how he was doing, so the only logical thing to do was stalk him on instagram. Here I am, acne cream on, hair up in the grossest of buns, and laying down in my bed, double chins for sure, scrolling aimlessly through my exes instagram. As I was doing this I started to realize just how good looking he really was. He had grown up, and wasn’t the boy who I barely dated way back when. This made me think, what if we never broke up, what if we were still together now. Then came the unrealistic thought that wow if we did stay together it would have absolutely been perfect. I would be in that picture smiling with him, we would be traveling together,and staying in on Friday nights watching parks and rec, then on Saturday go out to a bar, and both get ridiculously drunk together, all while dancing the damn night away. These thoughts were circling my head, and hurting my heart to know that I let him get away, I ended things with this boy who could very well have been perfect for me now, right? WRONG, completely and utterly wrong. Sometimes when I’m ~lonely~ and the boy or boys (let’s be real) I have crushes on barely pay attention to me, I tend to romanticize my past, and my past ventures. I think about only the good times, and the smiles and the laughing, and the amazing sex, how could I forget the ~amazing~ sex. Also the nights we would spend on a blanket on a grassy hill, watching the stars. Or the days we would sing in the car, with the windows down, and his hand on my thigh. I smile at all of these thoughts, at all of the times that my heart was full and sadness was a far off thought. I completely ignore the fights, the pain, the time one of them pushed me to get out of his way and stared at me on the ground with a sly smile on his face, or the multiple times he cheated on me then looked me in the eyes and lied. Then there was the time, he promised he would come visit me, then left me waiting at a bus stop while he hooked up with a high school girl. Oh and I can’t forget the times he would make me cry if I said no to sex. Or all the horrible texts where he would call me a cunt, telling me he didn’t love me, but then the day after, like clock work, beg for my forgiveness. Yeah, maybe there were some good times, sure, but they were nothing compared to the bad times, nothing compared to the pain and sadness they caused. Maybe their hair is longer, and they look older and ooo ~hotter~, but lets be real, nothing about them and how they would treat me has changed. This time around, nothing would be different. I need to stop allowing someone from my past to control my present, especially when that person made me feel like I was nothing. Most of my exes made me feel like I was less than nothing, made me feel like I was hard to love, when in reality it was their inability to love and to be loved that was the problem. When I look back I can’t pretend it was all good, because it wasn’t. Each one of my past relationships ended for a reason, and I can’t pretend that reason didn’t exist. Some of my exes we both mutually decided to end it, for reasons like moving, or compatibility, whatever, and that I can look back and acknowledge. But the ones who caused me pain, I can’t just pretend didn't. I can’t use the excuse of loneliness to look at these people as if they were nothing but nice to me, when in reality they weren’t. They did things that as an adult now, I wouldn’t let them get away with. I was young, naive, having little to no experience in relationships, and I said nothing, when I should’ve stood up for myself and ran far away from these people. Though I can’t change the past, and change the fact that I didn’t stand up for myself, the least I can do is not hold onto them as a good memory. I’m not saying you need to dwell on the past, and hold grudges, these people I truly no longer have anger or hatred towards, but I shouldn’t replace those bad memories with good memories. I don’t need to sit here angry at some dude who broke my heart from years ago, but I also don’t need to remember him as a damn saint, when he cheated on me not once, but 4 times… ya know? How can the few, VERY FEW, good things outweigh those absolutely horrible things in my memory? They shouldn't, they can’t, even if I am watching a rom com, wishing I had a boy to hold and not some stuffed animal my mom got me.  I shouldn’t smile at the thought of them, or fantasize “what could’ve been” if only we stayed together. I should face the facts, and stop ignoring the pain and hurting they caused, just because I want someone laying next to me, instead of me being alone scrolling through the instagram of someone I once loved. Being alone doesn’t mean resorting back to my old ways, doesn’t mean romanticizing my past boyfriends, or getting back together in a relationships that ended for a reason. There are millions of people in the U.S alone, I can get some new and better memories with any one of them. I guess, I’d just rather be alone for the rest of my damn life, than with any one of my ~horrible, mean, terrible~ exes just because I, for a second, forgot, how horrible, mean and terrible they actually were, and you know what, that’s the damn tea (HA).