this cigarette means more to me than u do
As I sit here pretending to focus on my school work, the only thing on my mind is wanting to have really great sex and endless cosmos handed to me on a silver platter. As I think about these amazing things, I also think about my newest boy venture, and how freeing it is that it truly lacks commitment, and worry, and all the relationship drama I just could not handle at the moment. I mean I am moving across the damn country in less than two months, I can’t get into a committed relationship. I like this guy, and we have a lot of fun together (so far), but the strings and titles I truly don’t want, and realistically are not possible. I am realizing though, that even if I wasn’t moving, this whole “dating world” or I guess one could say, hooking up world, veers far away from actual commitment. If I asked 10 college guys (and girls for that matter) what the scariest word in their vocabulary would be, it would probably be “commitment” or “relationship”.
So I meet this guy, we have hooked up a few times, so it’s very early stages, nothing serious. This weekend he invites me over, so I go to his home, prepared for a night out, assuming when he said “let’s drink” that’s what that meant. So my friends ask me my plan and I tell them, and of course they say at some point we should meet up, which is reasonable. I go to le boys home, but instead of drink and go out, he wants to do the classic “netflix n chill”. He had wine, even candles (which was kinda cute), and gave off this very cozy vibe. I am sitting there on his couch, in high heels, an off the shoulder top, these pants that make my ass look amazing, and a subtle red lipstick. He on the other hand was in sweats and a t shirt, holding a glass of wine, and sitting on his bed. His plan for the night was to drink wine with me, cuddle in bed, watch a movie, eventually stop watching that movie and of course have sex, then probably continue to watch the movie again just this time without clothes on. I mean honestly, this sounds really nice, I love a good night in, especially with a boy I kinda like, but I didn’t go into this night thinking that was what we would be doing. So there I am, awkwardly trying to convince him to switch his sweats to some actual pants, when all he wanted me to do was shut up and come sit down next to him, while he puts his arm around me. Eventually we do the whole netflix, sex, finish the wine thing, then there I am sitting in front of him, looking at his naked body, while I also try to find my shirt. He keeps trying to pull me closer to him and lay down, but my prerogative is my shirt, and where my friends are. For some reason, I wasn’t even caring that this hot boy was there right in front of me. Eventually I told him I was leaving, and he basically just said “okay if you want” and so I did exactly that, I left. I didn’t care, or feel bad, I was simply excited to drink a bit more, see my ridiculous friends, and dance to shitty pop music in a crowded bar.
Like clockwork though, I wake up the next morning and realize that maybe, just maybe, I was an asshole. I mean if I invited someone over and we fucked, and then they left to go hang out with their friends instead of me, I’d be pretty bummed. He even texted me later that night telling me to come back, but instead I chugged down a few tequila shots, and dismissed his request. At the same time though, I didn’t owe him anything, it’s not like he asked me to stay, and I mean he wanted to be all sleepy, and I was not, so did I really have anything to feel guilty for? NO. I didn’t. I don’t owe this boy anything, but of course ~respect~(lol). I wanted to go out, I wanted to have fun with my friends, I also wanted to get my sexual ~jush~ in, and I shouldn’t feel bad for that.You are allowed to have a connection with someone, a crippling crush if I may, but that doesn’t mean they have to then be the love of your life or that you owe them shit. If the tables were turned, and he wanted to hang out with his friends, he would’ve done the exact same thing without even thinking about my feelings, so many guys HAVE done that before. I am not in a committed relationship with this dude, I am in a committed relationship with my damn self, and as much as I am a hopeless romantic, I owe myself more than some guy who I am ~hooking up~ with, who I have a small crush on. I overthink, absolutely everything, yet I highly doubt this guy was sitting there after I left wondering what he did wrong to make me leave… he probably laid there, didn’t put any clothes on, and fell asleep with the sound of The Office in the background. WHICH IS FINE. I guess what I am wondering is maybe even me, someone who fantasizes about walking hand in hand with my “prince charming” down a beach, while the sun is setting, is evolving past even wanting relationships, maybe we all just want the moments, the in between feelings, but not the actual commitment anymore? I mean eventually most of us all do, but right now I want to hook up with a guy (consistently), yet also hang out with my friends and not have to worry about texting him where I am. I mean I love ~love~ but I also love sex. Is it okay to have both, or do I have to choose? Can I be both the love sick girl and the one that just wants to have sex with a guy then head out into the night alone, smelling of cigarettes and cheap tequila?
