either dance with me in the rain or just forget my name
Sometimes I dream of waking up in his arms, the sun is only shining through the cracks in the blinds, and both of us are laying there, bodies entangled and skin completely bare. We roll around in bed for hours before getting up to start the day. Pancakes. Pancakes are always in the dream. Pancakes with chocolate chips or M&M’s. I sit on the counter stealing the chocolate as he burns every single one. He moves in between my legs and kisses my forehead, and then as I hold his cheeks and look into his eyes, I suddenly wake up. I open my eyes and I am laying there, inches away from some guy I met at a bar, wondering who the pancake guy was. The guy in front of me probably forgot my name, or at least doesn’t have it saved in his phone. What I am to him is just another number, that he can text or call when he is feeling lonely, when he wants to fuck and when he finishes his last beer. I guess lately I’ve been nostalgic for a place and a person that may not even exist. I think about past loves and I hate to admit it but I think I miss them. Well, not them, not the actual people, but the love itself. I wish I could feel it all again, experience the awkward first dates, the getting to know you stages, the first time we saw each other naked, or the first time they see you cry. I sometimes wish I could just be there once again, be in love, making pancakes on a Sunday morning. I think this when I wake up in my bed alone, or when it’s the first day of summer and all I want to do is hold someone's sweaty hand while rolling around the grass, with permanent smiles on our faces. Sometimes when I see my other friends in relationships, or when something good happens, and I have no one to tell. My body sometimes feels so alone, that I roll around in my bed wishing to be touched, not being able to close my eyes and just sleep. But then when I do sleep and I have these dreams, I just don’t want to wake up because I don’t want to know it isn’t real. Sometimes I want to be held, and sometimes I want to hold someone. Sometimes when its raining, and all I want to do is watch movies with the covers over my head, but I don’t have the person I love laying there next to me, dozing in and out of sleep between scenes. I guess I just miss the feeling of being in love, of being loved, and all of the in betweens. I want to awkwardly dance to shitty music in a bar full of strangers with the person I love, only to then leave together and hold each other until we fall asleep. Most of the time I am fine, and content, and don’t ~need~ another person or a body to wake up next to. Most of the times I don’t care and am completely happy with the way my ~love life~ (or lack thereof) is going. But then I hear a cheesy song, or watch some rom com that makes me cry and my heart longs for the love I once felt with the people from my past. It longs to feel it all again, to feel like maybe just maybe I am not completely and utterly alone. Being independent makes me feel free and happy, but sometimes I have to admit that part of me wants more. Sometimes I get lonely and it hurts, my heart feels almost empty and simply craves what it once had. I like no strings, and no attachments, I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want it, I like to be single and free, and not have any obligations. But then sometimes I want love, and romance, I want kissing in the rain, and hidden love letters that make me cry. As much as I sometimes enjoy pretending I don’t care, and that I play it cool, sometimes I don’t want to be just a couple of numbers in some guys phone, that he will only text when he’s drunk. As I sit here and my heart hurts a little more than usual, I wonder if that guy making pancakes even exists, or if he’s just a distant fantasy that I’ll never actually know.
