blue balls

I woke up this morning with yet another denial from another job I applied to, ya girl is ~thriving~. Realistically though thriving is the opposite of what I’m doing, my body is still in pain over the multiple and unnecessary shots of cheap vodka I consumed this weekend and instead of being at work, I am in bed watching Pretty Little Liars reruns and ordering food so I don’t have to get up and make anything. This Sunday I woke up in my friend Tim’s bed, with the faint smell of cigarettes, old pizza, and mango rubinoff wafting in the air. Tim sneezed directly on my face, which is what woke me up (so if you’re reading this Tim, fuck you (jk i love u)) from my probably 3 hour long sleep. I looked to my left and there it was, the plastic handle of rubinoff staring me down, reminding me of the messy night before. AND yes, I am 23 years old and still buying rubinoff, just being a cheap but CUTE bitch I’d say. This weekend was pretty much the same as every other weekend spent in Boston. Getting far too drunk, texting boys I probably shouldn’t be texting, one of my friends (or two) getting far too drunk, and then me falling asleep in Tim’s bed, though promising before we went out that I would end up in my own. Typically, I am the kinda person who lives by the whole cliche saying of “ I am a strong independent woman and I don’t need no man”, and I truly mean it. I will have flings here and there, fall for boys who are emotionally unavailable and get hurt (lol @ my current “heartbreaker” CHET), but in the end, I really love my independence. I love being able to come home, get into pajamas, and not have to text anyone my plans or ask anyone about their damn day. I can choose to move to LA and not worry about a long distance relationship, or about another persons thoughts on me leaving. I can go out with my friends and flirt with a boy, and not worry about hurting someones feelings. I mean this could come off as selfish, sure, but really I am finally in a place where I can be alone and be happy. I don’t ~need~ a boyfriend, nor really even want one, if I meet someone who I have a connection with, and fall for, thats one thing, but all in all I like how my life is right now, and don’t plan on settling or searching around for some subpar boy who has mommy issues. That being said, I also sometimes get ~lonely~, I mean, who doesn’t? Coming home after a fun night out with friends, drunk out of my mind, and all alone, sometimes makes my heart hurt. I will come back to my messy ass room, do my nightly routine, get into bed, put on some netflix show, and cuddle up to my unicorn stuffed animal (which I spent my last 10$ on when I was broke BROKE). I will have this feeling in the pit of my stomach of wanting to be held by an actual person. Wanting to feel someones arms around me, feel the weight of someone next to me. I don’t necessarily need the sex or the security of knowing this person will be there in the morning, but right in that moment I want more than just my 10$ unicorn, and sound of netflix in the background. I am allowed to be independent and love my life but also allowed to get lonely and want to ~cuddle~(EW) with a cute boy OKAY! I hate being vulnerable and explaining how I want this kind of affection, but, alas its true. I have even invited over boys at prime booty call hours, them definitely expecting that good good sex, but instead, made them cuddle. So to those boys who I’ve def disappointed aka given mad blue balls to, from time to time, I am NOT even remotely sorry. I guess thats why I love to sleep in Tim’s bed (even though he doesn’t fucking cuddle me), if only he was in love with me and not men UGH, but thats another story for another time.