just when i thought i was over u

As I walked through the bar, trying to avoid getting drinks spilled on my brand new pink coat, a part of me hoped my eyes were mistaken when I saw the top of his blonde head. I hadn’t seen him in a while, probably a year at that point, his name hadn’t even crossed my mind like it used to. That song, ya know, the one about falling in love really fucking fast, that played in my ears as he sat there in front of me with that huge childlike smile on his face as I scowled at the drink he bought me, well I could listen to it now without care. But there I am, sucking down my 8 dollar, mostly cheap vodka with a splash of cranberry drink through the small black straw the bartender insists on handing me, and my stomach still dropped when I saw him. The second, and I mean second he walked through those dark brown doors, that was masking the cold air from touching my exposed drunken body, all I wanted to do was run. Now this guy wasn’t some grand love, some amazing person who I shared memories with. Nor was he some agonizing heartbreak that I still dreamt about on nights alone. He was merely a guy I really didn’t need to meet, really didn’t ever need to experience. Which isn’t horrible, but it’s not great either. He didn’t treat me well to say the least, sometimes, but very few, I still think of him when the lights go out and hands are tearing at my clothes. And on this particular night, in this particular bar, all I wanted to do was dance, but of course he had to walk through those damn doors and mess everything up, something he seemed to be good at.

I ignored him, naturally, but his presence was like a small mosquito swirling around my ear. If I moved far away, I’d have seconds of silence (well more like blasting shitty pop and some girl screaming at her boyfriend), before hearing the incessant buzzing noise once again. Everywhere I looked, his stupid face was staring down at me like it once did years ago. This guy was nothing to me, I mean besides making me like him then moments later making every bone in my body cringe at the thought of his existence. So I thought to myself, as I tried to swat away his skinny mosquito body, why did I even care? I mean yes, this guy sucked, he really did, I have nothing nice to say about him, but he didn’t break my heart by any means. He was just another small little setback in my road to getting over the boy who really hurt me. I remember thinking yeah I mean I like him, he’s pretty dull, but I like him. Which was a very accurate depiction of this person, you like him sure, okay to be around, but dull as hell in every aspect if you know what I mean. Honestly, before I saw him that night, the name, let’s call him, Mickey Mooney, hadn’t even been in my radar for over a year. Yet, why now, why does seeing his face, bother me so damn much? This got me thinking about exes, and relationships with said exes. I don’t do that whole relationship type deal very often, only once or twice, I’d say. The guys may say otherwise, but I wouldn’t consider any of their temporary asses to be important enough to classify under the daunting unnecessary title of “boyfriend”. But anyways, I don’t do them often, but when I did, the idea of a friendship afterwards, (at first, that is) was totally out of the question. Friends with the guy who quite literally tore my heart into millions of pieces then proceeded to throw it into the wind during a rainstorm? Nah, not for me. But as months passed, and my mind wasn’t circling how much I may have missed them, I thought, why the fuck not? This person was once important to me, right? So why can’t we be friends now? HA HA HA. That’s a good one. So I tried it, I did. Being friends with the exes, hanging out, drinking a few beers (lol), driving each other home, letting them sleep over your house on the couch when you had another boy upstairs, ya know, the usual stuff.  But eventually it got weird. It always gets weird. In one example, one of us, not to name names (him) couldn’t see me with someone else, so did everything in his damn power to get me back. Of course, of fucking course it worked, so I dump this new rebound dude (ugh sorry) and start back with the ex. But we broke up for a reason before, he didn’t want to be with me, I didn’t want to be with him, we didn’t work! So all the old stuff comes creeping back into our lives, we start fighting, he gets mad at every guy I talk to, I get mad at his controlling ass, everything goes south, and yet again, we are standing outside on some shitty road crying to each other and breaking each other’s hearts all over again. In the other cases it was always quite the same, someone would still harbor some feelings, get angry or upset, and it just wouldn’t work out. Now I am not saying people can’t get back together, but that’s not really the point of discussion right now. Because sure they can, but also like don’t beat a dead horse, okay? Get over it, you have to. If it didn’t work out for obvious shitty reasons, like some of my situations, it will not work again, even years later when “people change”… that’s bullshit, sorry.

But anyways, instead of being friends, I started to avoid my exes like the damn plague. If they were at a bar I was, nope I was out, did the classic unfollow game on social media, ignored late night texts, even had to delete some numbers, because drunk me has no self-control, and loved any sort of attention (Loved, loves? Same thing). This worked, it really did, helped both of us get over each other. I moved on, boy after boy, they moved on, and our lives did the natural thing, and took two different routes.  Now I see some of those exes in run ins, on social media, at parties, and there is no angst, no hate, no hidden feelings. We are friendly, civil, ~chummy~ one could say, but are we friends you ask? No way.  My ~crush~ and I were discussing this the other day, and he says hell no, I can’t be friends with exes. And at first I was like, boy are you daft? Why not? You still love these exes huh huh, cuz it sure seems like ya do?! Then instead of saying any of that ridiculous overthinking dumb shit that was in my head, I thought, but actually why not, why can’t we be friends with our exes? And then of course I started thinking, questioning my naive take, thinking, whatever it doesn’t matter lets be friends with the people we once loved, but slowly realized that I truthfully don’t think we can. I have gotten over all of the people I have been with. Especially, but also including stupid Mickey Mooney. But I think everyone handles things differently and holds onto things or lets things go in their own ways. To me, Mickey Mooney hit a soft spot; he did some questionable hurtful bullshit to me that stuck with me, clearly. So seeing him kinda hurt. I wasn’t there wishing that Mickey would run up to me and profess his love to me, but seeing him brought back the bad taste in my mouth that he once left. I couldn’t be friends with him ever, nor do I really want to see his dumb face, but ya know, you take what you can get. But to him he probably thinks of me in a way that says “yeah I fucked her before” and that’s about it. As for some of my other exes, I bet seeing me, and seeing me happy with someone new, would probably hurt them. I am definitely one to be sentimental; I also tend to remember every little detail, so something that affected me may not have affected one of my past loves, or other way around. Some of the guys I have ~dated~ mean jack shit to me now, and then others will honestly have a special place in my heart forever, whether it be the memory of the relationship, that person, the time in my life when I knew them, anything. To some of those guys I am literally probably a forgotten thought, a face with no name, or I am someone they miss every day (ha i bet all of you miss me everyday you dummies) (jk but am I jk???). But we can’t align our feelings to one another. We can’t meet up and say hey so I literally don’t remember you at all, or hey it still hurts thinking about the way you cried while watching The Great Gatsby and how it made me love you even more. It just seems like more of a hassle than not, right?  I just don’t think exes being friend’s makes any sense. Friendly, yes, but friends? No. I mean there was a big chunk of time where you were very sexually attracted to this person, or had romantic lovey dovey, buy chocolate in heart shaped packages feelings for them. After that, after sitting in a bubble bath together, or crying into their arms trying to catch your breath, can you ever just be platonic? I really don’t know, for me though, and definitely for the dumb ass boys I’ve dated I don’t think it could work.  I wonder if that is true, factual, real, that exes really can’t be friends, or if that’s just some stupid bullshit we have all created in our heads. I mean I am currently so happy and excited and in love with someone, so it shouldn’t bother me being friends with exes, right? But I still feel like it would. Either from their side or mine, and whether it be leftover feelings, or just pain from before, it just doesn’t seem like a good idea. Maybe if the pain disappears, or the memory of a time becomes less tender, than friendship could be a possibility ( but still… probably not). Will those painful things always seem painful to us, or will we eventually see someone who hurt us and not care like we used to? Also maybe, just maybe I am a little bit too sensitive when it comes to topics of love… HA who knows really. I guess what I’m wondering is if in years and years to come, I see Mickey Mooney again, would I still care, or would I keep sipping my 8 dollar vodka cran that needs just a bit more cran, and not even notice he was there?