dear daddy
i wrote him a letter once asking him to love me. begging him to want me. begging him to care. i told him i wished he was dead, wished his breath would stop, because it hurt more knowing he was alive and well, living his life without me and treating me like i was nothing
where were you when
the sun was setting
and i was crying
tear after tear
flowing down my cheeks onto the concrete under my feet
i stood in front of the only person i have ever loved
on the curb as cars passed left and right
he watched my tears hit the ground but said nothing
i stared at the top of his head
waiting for his eyes
but he wouldn’t look up at me
he broke my heart
completely killed me
but you never asked me if i was okay
where were you when
the lights went out
and he threw my shirt onto the ground
i fell atop a pile of blankets as he kissed my body without question
i barely knew him
just a guy at a bar
that told me i was the most beautiful girl in the room
he pushed my hair back like you used to when i was just a little girl
and it made me want to scream
to yell as loud as i could
but as i tried to, nothing came out
i woke up the next morning in his bed and left without a word
i wished you were there to hold me while i cried on the subway alone
where were you when
my boxes were packed
and i moved to an unknown city all by myself
i would drink to pretend it was all okay,
every night
instead of sleeping
the pain of knowing that you sit there
with your own family
with people who aren’t me
and act like they are all you need
and i sit at a bar, instead of reading my books
and drink until i forget it all
until i barely remember who you are
who i wish you would be
where were you when
the first man touched me
but i didn’t want him to
remember you gave me that old film camera of yours?
i took a photo class taught by an older man who always flashed me a smile,
as i walked through the door.
i wanted to show you what i could do
to show you i was special enough for you to be proud
but instead he was the only one who thought i was special
and so did his hands.
i was only 15 years old
why weren’t you there to yell at him
why weren’t you there to make him stop?
i was too young and didn’t know
that all i needed was you
where were you when
the moon would rise
and i would go out into the midnight streets
wearing nothing but black with my lips stained red
running down the streets with whiskey on my tongue
and cigarettes in my hand
where were you when
i couldn’t get off the bathroom floor
from the pain of being broken
did you even know?
where were you when
it was my junior prom,
everyone else had you there, but not me
where were you when
i chose these guys
these guys who didn’t care,
just like you
who treat me like i’m nothing,
just like you
is that what i am to you?
nothing?
as much as you were supposed to be the first love i had
all you are is a man living across the way
who doesn’t know anything about me
who doesn’t care
because all you are is nothing too
nothing but a traced broken heart tattoo with your name inside of it
and issues plastered on my face for all to see
but the only one who is nothing, is you.
and i promise to stop asking
asking where you were
when my life kept moving faster
but instead i will forgive you
maybe you were just busy
busy doing nothing
busy being nothing
at least
nothing
involving me
