romance is DEAD

I hate to announce it, I hate to see it, I hate to even think about it, but to whom it may concern, romance is dead. Picture this, my hair is tangled, I am wearing oversized boys pastel pink sweatpants, a cuttyhunk oversized sweatshirt, feet bare, heels in hand, and calling a 19 $ uber on a Sunday morning. I was doing the walk of shame. Or I guess the ride of shame, drive of shame? I don’t know, but it was a shame filled morning. Well for me really the only shame was that I actually spent 19 $ on a damn uber, not that I had hickies hidden underneath this sweatshirt, or that I had obvious sex hair, and was leaving my very attractive hookups house while he stood there shirtless, waving goodbye. The night leading up to this uber ride was pretty great, the notorious Basketball Boy has returned, and still reigning in with a “great time” title. But that is besides the point, so there I am, I get into this uber, and place my heels next to me, as the uber driver hands me a water bottle, probably seeing the hangover just wafting off my body. I take it politely, than chug it down as if I hadn’t had water in days. I am sitting there, then this driver visibly looks at me through the mirror, and says “Walk of Shame”? At first I was a bit offended, I mean I should not feel shamed for having sex, but I wasn’t in any real condition to argue this man, so I just laughed it off. He then went on to correct his unnecessary comment, by saying “romance is dead”. He explained how he recently learned about this walk of shame term, and how whenever he sees a passenger on the weekend, looking like a hot mess, and in need of water, his heart breaks a little. He met his wife in the kinda meet cute we all want, he was selling flowers downtown, and would flirt it up with all the women who would stop by his sign. He got numbers on numbers, dates on dates, the man was a player if I ever saw one. Eventually though, one sunny summer day, a woman came up to his stand, and he was utterly speechless, and just sorta stared at her awkwardly. He wanted to get her number but was too shy because he found her to be “the most beautiful woman he had ever seen”. So he fumbled around and gave her his number awkwardly. She laughed and took it, but didn’t call. A few weeks go by and he couldn’t stop thinking about “that broad” as he called her, and then one day, there she was sitting under his favorite tree by the Charles. He said it was his tree, she said it was hers, bam, 40 years later, they are happily married with children, and more in love than ever. He never let the romance die, he takes her on dates every week, surprises her with flowers and mini trips, makes breakfast every single damn morning and leaves her a cute lil note with it. Now I don’t know that much about love, about romance, as much as I am thoroughly obsessed with it, but this is the kinda guy I want. Basketball Boy, out of every one of the guys I have hooked up with is by far the sweetest, (maybe even best), and so this is not a jab at him, but more or less guys in general. OR I guess the way in which we approach romance now. I mean Basketball Boy, and his beautifully toned six pack walked me down the stairs, and waited with me until the uber got there. TO ME (before being reminded by this uber driver) that was so incredibly sweet. I mean the boy walked me down stairs, how romantic?  The driver though, literally said I need to raise my expectations, and you know what? I agree. Granted, again, Basketball Boy is a damn gem, and no one can say otherwise, he is the cutest little string bean of a person (well, not little), and has the biggest heart out of probably anyone I know, so I guess he can continue walking me to my uber shirtless, but maybe throw in breakfast ya know? AS for every other guy, you are not off the hook. How is it that I, and almost every person I know keep settling for subpar people who just let romance die. I mean the most romance I have gotten in the past year was from some d bag in LA, who slow danced with me, for a second, barely. Oh and I can’t forget how Bubble Bath Boy made mac and cheese after we hooked up, and saved me ONE BITE, ~wow so sweet/cute/amazing of him~, right? Wrong. Besides those small, minuscule moments, the guys I associate myself with quite literally think that “Hey lady, you up?” past midnight is cute. OR taking me to a bar, and buying my drinks means he’s a real winner. Like damn, do you want a fucking medal? Granted, keep buying my drinks, that’s great and all, but come on, that is not remotely romantic, I am sorry. Take me on a damn dinner date, or a picnic when the sun is out, surprise me with flowers, take me to breakfast when we are both hungover, or even breakfast in bed while watching movies. I feel like these things are not too hard, but over time, I have let the ~men~ in my life get away with being dull, disappointing, lifeless, romance killing assholes (again, not Basketball Boy, he’s cute as a damn button and sweet af OKAY?). But the rest of you, LA boy, Bubble Bath Boy, PHILLY BOY, Love of my Life from high school who moved across the country and broke my heart boy, bartender boy, every damn boy I have kissed on the mouth, step it up. The ones who are currently in my life, for me. As for the ones that are history (thank god for that), do it for the next amazing woman you let into your life. I am no longer letting these subpar boys do the bare minimum, if that, and get away with it. A “you up?” text is not gonna cut it anymore, I am appalled that I ever let that slide. As I sit here, reminiscing on all the ~losers~ I let into my life, doing the smallest possible things, and me accepting them as “sweet and cute and aw worthy”, I wonder, is romance really dead, or are peoples expectations just really low? Or both? But whatever it is, all you boys from here on out, I want dinner dates, bouquets of flowers, breakfast in bed, and for you to god damn sweep me off my feet with romantic gestures. The Jonas Brothers quite literally wrote their wives an album full of love songs, like come on!!!! I deserve a guy who says he can't imagine a world without me, and I will wait until I find him (which may take forever but IDC).  I WILL bring romance back to life if it’s the last thing that I do.